you've got this.

2:06 pm

Tree & Sun!


You may have seen the social for Tree & Sun today. I'm loving it too much, which has me in perfectionist-mind, refining and defining. I want to make sure it's perfect. 
Instead, in the meantime, a behind-the-scenes video
on the making of it. 

betwixt and between

10:36 am


p.s. good morning :) 

Straw Baskets
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 26, 2020


10:20 am


The things you are, to be fully alive, need to honor themselves, though you, as you.


That means that you need to be okay with you. All of you. Empowered, free, fragrant, fresh, smelly, free, sacred, left alone, grumpy, loving, weird.  Sweet and sour. Moods and all. That also means that no one, not anyone, should have the right to tell you to be someone else. To be free you must honor yourself. Be you. All that is you. You must not shrink or hide from any of yourself; the good, the evil, the kind, the parts shaped by others. The 'made by self'. All of you.


The theory goes that it is okay to be shaped by others; this is false. You must be free to be yourself. After you have learned, discard the notions of others and come to terms with the truth of yourself. Just be that, all of that. Then, from there, you build. You are you, and that is enough. That is absolute. That is the truth. That is the law. 

4:34 pm: Randoms + Practicals

I innocently left a piece of fruit out in an open garbage, and for the last two hours, I have been aggressively attacked by a lilliputian army of teeny fruit flies as I sit at my desk. They're the marauding army, a thousand hungry hordes. They are like negative opinions, stinging a little, but ultimately rather fragile.

I just woke from an afternoon nap, and told myself it was healing. I think maybe it was repair (I see the two as separate), but I feel miles better. Our bodies always know what they need. I woke with a beautiful meditation and a few new understandings, which I'll share at a later date. 

I promised the cash flow doc for helpers... this will initially be perfect. It is sales planning one. For those who are all heart, no structure. You should be able to right-click to download it. Just a gentle guidelines and a few focused questions to get your thinking towards sales revenue and targets, rather than only feelings and flow - the two, paired together will accelerate. 11 x 17.

If you have any trouble or want to check in, hop over to my Facebook group to connect. 

Sales Growth.jpg

10:19 am




7:37 am

Today is a design day. I think I'll also share a cash-flow planning document for those in a helping field. I love this blog. 

Image by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 25, 2020


8:24 pm

Site vamping. Working away. 

9:23 am


I've sent the last four weeks working on the B.Grace site
and brand launch, amongst other projects.

Today, finishing touches. 

Mushrooms to your skin,

very shortly. 

9:19 am

I lovingly release anything not meant for me, opening up gentle space so the things that are mine can come to me. 

Repeat the following under your breathe for 7.5 minutes, wherever you find space and time for yourself. Allow yourself to feel safe in the freedom. And believe yourself. 


Yoga teachers: Use in class and offer credit. 


Image by Ingrid Hall

9:11 am

8:46 pm

"I am waiting for things to happen. I am making things happen. Those things I want are not yet, but now they are coming. 

See the common thread in there? Always a detachment from the 'now' experience, the wanting and desire for a state other than the current one.


Patience is a stretch; because we are stretching. rather than in the acceptance of things that are occurring right in front of us at this present time. It is so easy to resist.

Virtuous souls might say '"oh, I'm patient", then get annoyed at the chicken that crosses in front of them, or that the cleaner isn't there on time, or that your work isn't the way you want it; true souls would say this: It is, and now I am not with the 'is-ness' of it. 

And you are right. It's not easy. It never is. It is not supposed to be; your character grows through tribulation, the trials in the way of your achievement. that included patience. I do, I did, I am, now I am not. We are always the practice. You can be that. 

Today: Try. Be with it. All of it. The dissatisfaction, the discomfort, the love, the thready air, the breathing trees, the pounding feet, the threadbare hearts and the mustard seeds. Whatever happens your way today. Be that, with it, present to it, not meeting any of yourself with resistance. If you will. 

Silver Stardust
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 24, 2020






I had the worst day of my life this year, and as I headed to bed I wondered when the second-worst day would be. I worried, a habit I've developed since that very worst day. Then I decided this; I do not want a second-worst day. I want to thank them all, to love them, to be with them gracefully, to have them be the same, appreciated, no matter the occurrences of the day. No matter the loss. No matter the win. 

The world will change. I cannot control its happenings. That does not mean I need to; myself alone can I control. So I wondered, can I be constant in loving the days? I don't want to adopt a false perspective, acting only placid, and peaceful alone, mimicking calm, pallid or insipidly bland. All of me must wager. Can I be thoroughly amused, and ragingly intense, and deeply loving, alive in the midst of the world, watching and seeing and being, crying as I must, but not hating or resisting any of it? Naming none of it wrong?

They call this ‘non-attachment’, I believe. I do not aspire. I want only to be accepting, free of conditions for the day, to be neutrally strong in the face of a powerful moment, to be lovingly detached in the whirlwind, to gently greet the morning, knowing it is a reliable friend, even in changing fortunes. To mind the small insignificants, when other things tumble, crack, fall to ruin. To meet loss with grace. What I want is to be free of the fear that the world will change. So I need to be the one that changes, not it. Right now when they hurt, I do. When I love, they do too. But peacefully, I can meet tomorrow. So there will not be any second worst day, only new ones to love fruitfully, fully, patiently, and when needed, wait for them to come whole again.


To sleep, I. x

10:21 pm

Someone who tries to get you to do something against your wishes, while not hearing a clear 'no' — which you have articulated to them clearly and in a consistent (not an offhand) manner — whatever framework or the reason they are giving, spiritual or otherwise  —  is ill.  Mentally unwell. 


As you awaken, and come into harmony with oneness, and love for all, and as you reduce judgment or hatred or separation, you may be vulnerable, as the spiritual pathway can leave you totally accepting and in the moment. So can a compassionate and understanding personality. Accepting, above protecting. Wanting to connect, not defend or separate. 


Do not foster their reality at the expense of your comfort or wellbeing. A well mind does not thrust their wishes or imaginings on others. They share. They inquire. They request. They have balanced engagement. They do not withhold love or support or make you feel like your needs are insignificant, too much, or inconvenient to them. They will invite your 'no', and talk it through. They do not blame without inquiry. A well person does not find fault or cherry-pick issues to raise themselves higher than you, to gain power or stature in community. They take responsibility for their reactions. They empower. They earn. They elevate. They celebrate. They do not force someone's choice or perspective or energy or life towards their will. They find common, shared ground.

Forcing or manipulating someone to your will or perspective is a sickn ess. If someone is doing this to you,  meet it with compassion, but it is not yours to handle. Or manage. If it threatens your wellbeing significantly, do not engage. Find support for them if you can. But not at your cost. Spiritual development calls out truth, and truth is, there is a lot of suppressed rage and sickness in people.  A lot of projection and judgment and pain that wants resolution. Many broken people wanting someone equally broken to make them feel stronger or healthier, highlighting faults to elevate themselves, or pull you into the mud so they feel less dirty. You cannot heal a broken wing determined to believe the well one in flight is the issue, or a bird that is insisting on walking, or hitchhiking in unsafe neighborhoods, or aligning with other wounded birds to validate their own unhealthy perspective.


There is a lot of love that wants to be born. Both will surface. Recognize that someone who is healing will often need nurturing or support encouragement and require space-holding. Offering it is a kindness. They may be well, but hurt in that time. A breakup, a death, a transition, an awakening expansion or dark time. These can cause extraordinary stress and fear. Sometimes they may strikeout in agony and pain. But they are open, and responsive, adapt, and grow, will hear and learn your boundaries, and aspire towards health and become better over time. But do not be fooled by hopeful promises. It must be situational agony, not ongoing. Influence is open and happily redirected, even if pushy — manipulation or control is not.        It tends to stick and decide, even at your cost. Healing is messy, but finite. It is not an ongoing submission and dominance model. There is a big difference. Walk away from the latter. Find support. Protect yourself. Give over to a loving space.


Spiritual development attracts narcissists; it is a space for it to be "all about them''. They are often leaderly. Demanding of your growth, but not their own. Empaths flock in droves for healing. That means caution and clarity are needed. If you are with someone in a hurt time, do not personalize; but always know your limit. If it is ongoing, or if there is any hint of subjugation*, walk away. You may love them; you are not held gently or safely. Truth is, love is everywhere, freedom expansive, and you get to choose your own route.



* Word thread. I am one with all. I've also a serious love of words that expand inquiry, context, vocabulary, and knowledge. Every now and then a word pops though when I'm writing that I'm not expecting, and I research it to make sure I'm on track (I used the word 'fissure' by accident once in an article, and it relates to an anal issue, which was NOT my intention ... so I check now for clarity. :-)) I've decided to link those words, so you can follow the thread too if you like. I create super-words too, if I can't find one that suits, language being a fluid beast, so you may find some that are not in existence elsewhere. I won't link those ones... you'll just have to guess at the meaning. 

9:31 pm est

A win! I got my hand-washing done today. (See earlier post). For context: in Bali, laundry is easily accessible and typically done outside the home, where they decimate the fabric but fold it quite nicely. During this Covid time, I decided to hand-wash. But, well... I had 9 laundry bags waiting to be done. It's not my favorite task (see semi-self-serving procrastination post below too) and I've been hyper-focusing lately on the B.Grace launch. 


So I sit writing you in polka-dot pajama bottoms, but, today, I successfully washed a good number of items which are hanging on the line dripping away, smelling sweetly of lavender and sage. It did get my brain thinking about the effort, whether each piece was worthwhile, and the corresponding love I had for each. Did I love it? If yes, then I washed it for my closet. If I did not, it's washed and donated. I am all-over the place style-wise, since I love things fast and imagine in all directions, so I am trying to focus and get more .. well, lasered in ... on a particular style, and more carefully conscious about each piece. Everything has energy, and history, and a story. I want mine to feel right. And I like beautiful things. 


So I am 3/4 a wardrobe smaller now, and feeling mightily accomplished. Reducing feels like expansion. 

9:18 pm est

Image by Adam Sherez

I suspect my carpenter is enlightened. I can see it in his healed eyes. Many relate the menial to the low-end. The uninformed. Unschooled. Christ, however, was a carpenter. Buddha is said to have enlightened under the Bhodi tree. So many have worked with wood this way. 

Posited* theory: is there a transmission, a life in trees? An energetic connection to an alternate world? We name them watchers, guardians, promoters of peace and companions to our existence. I tend to trust what we feel — the quieter resonances at least.

They are eternal, in their connected linking, much like the neural mind map of a human brain, time non-linear, spatial or flattened, all electrical energy and complexity sparking. A map of consciousness. Brain mind, forest map. All impulse, thrumming, humming. God Brain.

Our connection with trees and nature is, I'm convinced, partially responsible for awakening. Not just conceptually; actually.


Romantically, wood is a growing thing, covering vast swathes of the planet, seed to sapling, and the rest, with air. It is a conduit for things not of this world, part and parcel and in between, both the earth and the sun, the living and the dead, the half-in half-out thing (the latter like many people dating :-)). I've a video with a few thoughts above on trees, filmed in Singapore during an overnight flight. Wandering thoughts. 


It was my carpenter's eyes that opened this line of thought. They seemed to see vast foolishness as he munched his cookie during his break, looking at the going-ons of the other contractors. They were knowing. Peaceful.


It reminded me to look a bit more closely, to not to be fooled by my initial assessment of someone, to limit based on role, or to categorize shallowly, and presumptively, when depth, and scoping site lies there waiting.

* Word thread. I am one with all. That said, I've a love of words that expand inquiry. Linking the one or three words that enlighten and grow vocabulary in each post, so that if you've got a desire or want clarity, you can follow there too. I make up words often, language being a fluid beast, so you may find some that are not in existence elsewhere. 

P.S. After too much time hunting for contractors for my renovations in Ubud, with average luck, I started a group for them on Facebook. :-) It's here. You can join if you like. 

1:20 pm

Get it. Take it. Have it.
Why not? 

What is it that you truly want, and what are the rules you've created which hold you back from that thing?


Do you need those rules? What does your life look like without them? What new actions would you take? 

1:00 pm

I know that love is real,
and I have felt it. I am that love too. I love, fully, without determination
or condition. I am love. 

Repeat the following under your breathe for 7.5 minutes, wherever you find space and time for yourself. Feel the feeling of love and let it spread through your body. And believe yourself. 


Yoga teachers: Use in class and offer credit. 

Sacred, meet grace. Rest with willow. Be together trusting, delighted, held, wondering, wanting, overflowing with the fruition of a satisfied, full day. 

Image by Ethan Bodnar
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 23, 2020

Words of Freedom

Sign up for insider updates, advanced bite-sized notice of the most relevant articles, giveaways and gifts. 

I've trying to find one of those flashing gifs for my 'live' blog, all 'look at me" esque. Like when web sites were first babies, before we grew our teeth.

Style evolves, like everything. :-) 

9:38 pm

the things they think they want are not always the things they want. the rapist, for example, wants power. the dominant women wants ownership rights. the man who steals, ability to determine his future. the person taking energy? their own fear that they aren't enough, magnified exponentially. we people are ridiculous beasts. give the things they really came for, and they'll usually fade themselves way back, into the silence of a governed mind. when given truth, they can leave the damned altar of an unworthy mind that believes it has a need that requires absolution. when the man is willing to face his face he moves past it freely, onto worthier pursuits.

7:36 pm


Reminder: a prayer (at least in this small corner of the world) is non-denominational: you do not need to ascribe to the framework of religion. Have it be free, and fluid. Pray to your aunt, 🐜 your God, the universe, the love of your life. But pray, and ask, and offer, and establish your terms and your wishes of the world, God (manifest) and the universe. Resonance is created.

P.S. That's my wee long painting in the background. Recent particular hobby.

6:35 pm

Some rules state that one must be 'this way'. Others are free, fluid. This wish I have: to be free of mind, through the pain of an existence that says I 'must' be that way. Perhaps you share that burden. I write 'pain' because any rule that governs inevitably ousts a free-flowing personality, moods or whims, or our natural state, for something practiced, held into form, and we use all types of methods to manage ourselves and others; old structures, judgment, control, paradigms of 'rightness' Instagram, beauty standards and so on. We aim, rather than rest into. We get really uncomfortable when we can't any longer. When we fail at these 'rules', which are usually nonsensical in origin.


I'm not advocating breaking rules for the sake of it, or unconscious freedom, or mimicry of free-mind that spouts another view. When I ask a question, the answer is always from another place. Not now. In other words, is mind and the conclusions it draws always a dictated, responsive thought, rather than a free one?  

Necessary? Maybe. To maintain stability, granted. To function, likely. Are rules an old model? Maybe. Or, maybe that's just the way we are, and it was built that way for a purpose. It works, to a degree. Future would dictate that evolution is required (And always underway), but that is often built on the desires of the next dictator or stronger mind, or worthier asset, or next-level fame, or admirer of you, and so on.  

Free-thinking requires one to assess, to question, to contrast, to juxtapose, to question inner-mind against the outer world. It resists naming, for that becomes a contrast to freedom, thus leaving it vulnerable initially, to the theories and opinions of others. Over time that war gentles and certainty takes place within the structure of a free-thinker; this is the question, that is sorted, this discarded easily, that aligned with a deeper moral or question with more depth.


True things last, endure. False things change, and are of the opinion of others, left wasted against ideals, unstable, and easily dashed by morals with deeper, long-lasting truth. Values: inherent, but situational. Morals: questioned, governed by environment and time. Truth: long-lasting, established not by man, made or questioned or decided into being, but eternal, optimized only by our unfolding universe, not by the opinions of that lesser than ever-lasting.


But are there truths at all layers of reality? There must be so, for us to be sane, ad move through our days. I know this, (or at least now that I've written it I do) but it is easy to make truth of silly nonsensicals, moods and offerings of self-worth to greater ideals. I get caught up in the havoc of a day, the needs of others, my opinion of myself that says I must do more, to be more, to want more, to have more, to need less, so that I am not abandoned, and to hurt only when it is allowed. Those are the 'right' ways. Those are my rules, learned and I govern by them, while fighting that lawful ordination. Each of us has our own series of these rules, which interfere with our questioning, observing and free-thinking mind.


But the truth is, we know. We all know. Truth 'is'. The real-self is just there, right out of reach, waiting for us to rise into our highest selves, to be ready and stable and able, to see beyond our petty conditions and uncertainties, our insecurities and our need to please, to love and be loved (these are often (not always) conditioned too, and to stop thinking and doing and acting as we must, and leveraging emotions, moods and judgments to create our day. Those desires the hampering of the limited self, those needs the diviner of a false real-thing.

Free-thinking is an illusion, ultimately any mind is thought. Beliefs, words. Opinion, from another mind. That is a stacked perception. But they do become real, or a partial reality. But for freedom, or at least the illusion of it, less control, thoughts have to come from truth, not just be thoughts we've spun into existence on the webs of some other thought. My neighbors have spun energy webs of gossip and angry community, and it's in the air, and I feel it, so that's been in my consciousness today. A quiet mind? Sometimes. An open mind? Always. A peaceful mind? Shhhhh... no thinking. Conceptually, any thought that does not arises instantaneously, and then is released instantaneously, is a thought-form, stacked, learned, perception, not a natural, open creation in response to now (eternal). Theories though, are practical. Systems necessary.  So the balance is.. interesting. 

Summing up: I got distracted, spun my wheels, and didn't get as much done as I wanted today. I am trying to addict myself to the checklist, program myself to a love of 'I got it done", no matter how mundane the task, or average the accomplishment. Then a lack of progress. Rules. While all the deep thoughts lay waiting, I thought and daydreamed myself to oblivion.  

2:23 pm

I just finished a beautiful workshop. The predominant note within it was self-love and body acceptance. All is available to a new way of seeing.  They did that. Tears. Information for emergence into a new reality. New beginnings. I emerge full, happy. 

A few keynotes:

Reframing of viewing: Can you see ... that fine line as an access point to divine wisdom and worship it? Cellulite as the memory of a pathway up a mountain, softening of rigidity, ski adventures now signing a cursive, bumpy script? That aging form as a route map to your future? Those lines, that skin, as yours, married to your opinion, your choices, your body-love, your diet? 


Offer yourself freedom? Self-acceptance comes with cost: less worry, more self-love. The freedom to be yourself, and the responsibility of caring for the container you're in, without any self-attacks or negative commentary, resting fully on the laurels of inner grace.  Are those costs? Only because they're unfamiliar. 

It also comes with gifts: ease of compass. Navigating through love, not self-judgment.  "To the gym", you say ... but only because you want movement, not because you have to.

2:12 pm

The theory of not-enoughness rests on
shaky stilts. You are all. 

Repeat the following under your breathe for 7.5 minutes, wherever you find space and time for yourself. And believe yourself. 


I am enough. I worship
my own truth. I allow my beautiful face to rise
to the sun. 

Yoga teachers: Use in class and offer credit. 

Words of freedom: ohm. AH. Love. Mystery. Sacred. Inner world. It. Hope. Allow. Ecstasy. Giving. Oh. Divine. Words have frequency, meaning, inbound energies and notes of the sacred woven into their fabric. Words are undervalued; their meaning is rich with subtleties, thE energy in each uninspected.
They Feed us. They remind us. They nourish 
us into new awakening. They create stories of fractured reason which we can then transcend, or recreate, or allow into our woven minds. Flowing with Innate Possibilities. Mental definers.  New encapsulations of cause, effect, boundaries and Naming.
bound up with meaning, They fostering growth, better conditions, reminD us of what is truly possible. What power!
I'm a Graphic design geek from early studies, so I am thinking of Johannes Gutenberg right now. His invention of the Moveable type printing press changed the world, making the printed word available to all. A disruptor of history. He started with the Bible. This put religion into man's hands, rather than the church, which evolved the entire course of religious history, offering open access to theories, wisdom, and theology. 

"If I knew what would come of that machine," I imagine he would say Now of his invention, "It changed the world. Alas, they don't use it that well." Consciously, we create with it. The magic is in the word. 
Hieroglyphics of Freedom. 


1:30 pm

Image by Debby Hudson
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 19, 2020


11:20 am

On negative opinions formed with one experience.


They are one-dimensional, one-note nonsense, as if any person can be encapsulated by a single experience. They are also unkind. (I know and am aware of my tendency towards moralistic statements, but this opinion just feels like a common-sense condemnation of oversimplification, cruelty, and adult-bullying). Without a tolerance of viewing or clarity of context, we determine them by that single raging inadequacy, our encapsulated, without context witnessing. We tell others. And we call them the problem, not our limited tolerance. 


If you've been named this way: We are not so easily reduced. Not that small thing. You are vast. You are not so small as your mirroring of others, and endless, infinite possibility awaits.  Beyond your home now lies many other homes, beyond any sadness at your current condition lives another day and another kind person, possible happiness, and another meaningful moment, or yoga class, a beachfront and ocean waves, a business opportunity, or another trip that lays waste to any small fears. 


You are beyond this. We are never so insignificant or meaningless. Breakout. 

That all said, if this has happened to you, it does seem that the opportunity is to stop caring or to embrace
the worst claims to ensure you're free of any fear of opinion whatsoever. 

Not from a place of pain - but from a place of self-worship. 


If you worship them, worship you too. You are what you see. You are glorious, in raiment or altered, spent or known, wanted or casual, anything.  

11:18 am

I just bit a bug by accident. Meaning, I popped it with my teeth. I'm currently sitting grossed out, but befuddled, due to the fact that my response, when I first bit it (it was in my coffee, I'm working, not looking at my sips), was that it was a teeny popping tangy lemon piece (I'd been cutting lemons nearby earlier) and I quite liked the flavour. Then I looked, and it was a bitten bug. Yuck, and insert teeny funeral procession music here). But all my theories about humans never eating bugs as a protein ... are floating around now and I'm questioning all my preconceived notions. Empathetic for the bugs, but wondering. Yuck, but still. Ah. Conundrums, they live everywhere so easily. 

Get it. Free, recognizing, allowing that which you are. Insider updates, advanced
bite-sized notice of the most relevant articles, giveaways and gifts. 

Image by Fabrizio Conti
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 18, 2020

A Fret

White Feather

8:46 pm

I have been told that the teachers and the swans are looking for hidden havens, trusting themselves more than the world right now. Gentleness and sensitivity are an easy and lawful target, ready, then, able, then willing, then wanting to hold the bruises of the world.

This seems metaphorical. It isn’t, actually. Look for the swans. Animals hold the energies of the planet, the environment, and the people within it. 


Love. That is the energy of healing. Send it. Be it. Tell it where to go. Appreciate it, and then build more of it. 


Ever wonder why an animal runs from a man who hates, and draws near to the one who loves, even when both are relatively similar in appearance and stance? We know those who will care to protect or those who will harm another. All animals know this. They feel it.


Loved. Loving. Harmonious in your approach to the world. Protect the gentle. Be that for others. Be that for the one, that is you, as you are they. 

For you: I am loved,
I am limitless,

I am strong enough.


5:41 pm

Keep it persistent
and consistent.

12:46 pm

We do not always need to fix our procrastination; we need instead to increase our comfort with our actual desires, predilections and preferences, and align our habits, choices, and actions towards what we naturally are drawn towards.

Resistance may be offering protection from misdirection — and the life you don't want. The exception is when you really want something and fear is blocking you from action, and it is manifesting as procrastination.  But you still want it. 


Then the fear may want resolving; but not if your inner wisdom is saying 'not this way'.

So ask yourself; is it procrastination, or is there something within me that believes I'm really not meant to be doing this thing?

Will accomplishing it point me in the wrong direction, or, am I scared I might not be able to manage the result when it is finished or achieved? What do I really want my outcome to look like?  Can I, with the set of variables and internal compass I am working with, make that happen?  Or, is there something else I would rather direct attention towards, building in a new way? 

Then, a new plan or strategy can be put into place.


12:46 pm

We do not always need to fix our procrastination; we need instead to increase our comfort with our actual desires, predilections and preferences, and align our habits, choices, and actions towards what we naturally are drawn towards.

Resistance may be offering protection from misdirection — and the life you don't want. The exception is when you really want something and fear is blocking you from action, and it is manifesting as procrastination.  But you still want it. 


Then the fear may want resolving; but not if your inner wisdom is saying 'not this way'.

So ask yourself; is it procrastination, or is there something within me that believes I'm really not meant to be doing this thing?

Will accomplishing it point me in the wrong direction, or, am I scared I might not be able to manage the result when it is finished or achieved? What do I really want my outcome to look like?  Can I, with the set of variables and internal compass I am working with, make that happen?  Or, is there something else I would rather direct attention towards, building in a new way? 

Then, a new plan or strategy can be put into place.


Construction is underway. Cheesy mirror-selfie with draped construction plastic. Workers paused for social isolation. Photo was taken a few weeks ago. Giant hands in image, because I am constructing. A sink, currently. I have learned of the magic of concrete. My beloved new sink is artistic and painted. 

Note: that is not my bike helmet, I'm heading out for a trip to the store. I am not supplanting construction-wear helmets... although I wonder if these might be better on construction sites for certain tasks? Face, ear, ventilated, fit to the head, sound quality still good, visor already intact, built for pressure? 

12:23 pm

Someone reading my blog has a crush on Justin Trudeau, and I can feel it. Or it's actually Justin Trudeau.

12:09 pm

I am in social isolation and supposed to be hand-washing clothes.


I am down to:


0 underwear

1 shirt

4 fancy dresses

1 fabric belt and 2 scarves

a kaftan 

3 towels

a white ski jacket

4 bras

2 socks

0 pants


I am working in the ski
jacket right now.

11:50 am

If you are seeing my blog with that L Moroccan background, I don't figure out how to get it off. Morocco is on my list of next celebrated places to visit, so I'll see it as a theme. Maybe launch a Pinterest board

*UPDATE: I've changed it to pink. 

2:31 pm



God (manifest as all) is teaching me how to work with power & to let go of the things that don't support it. Those losses are weighted sometimes.

Image by Mark Rivera
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 17, 2020


Image by Kristaps Ungurs

Traveling today, I found the dark avatar world, a gateway to darker theories.


It is a world unto itself, not the same as Avatar. Light always has a counterpart.


It is not so imagined as theoretical in its fulling curses and dangerous toxic gases, dark entities renewing moment to moment, (I see their textured skin and eyes) traveling tailed ones, haunting glades, and eating deadening trees, eels in the land sucking up air, Darley havens beginning to dissolve into the flickering ethers and illusionary fields. Sparking, the air is lit with time and weight ad they move through it like butter, Those no, all know, knives curved like wiggles. Many eyes, big souls are the safety homes, I have not looked too closely, was rather lazy in my viewing, but one must be big then small to access those. Or should be. It makes them safer.


But it flickers like the whole thing is a raw illusion. Still in creation. We are ridiculous in our wanderings, are we not? 

I see this, and you, differently now.

Daily, I see. Cannot help it. If one has the eyes to see, things often will appear in front of them. 

Everything we create has a counterpart.
A balance for the whole. It was... Avatar, but dark, deadened, cold. 

Do not go. It is not a light place. Theories are endless, all that are. It breaks. It burdens. It sucks the air from a bard's
blue lungs. 

7:43 pm

We are endless creators, touching the sky, wiggling our toes, minding ourselves into a possible new place. 

11:12 pm


People want fixing. I'm writing this after speaking to a relative, who had someone telling her that she is 'his' - even though she doesn't want him. I just had an experience with an unstable client too. Not enough attention? Find a fault, get noticed. This will always come after being fed and giving glowing reviews, a subsequent ending, and, as the attention fades, finding an impossible fault that does not contain and personal responsibility. 


I am, generally, very empathetic. But clear that this pattern is hurtful to helpers and healers. It leaves you open to being badly taken advantage of and pushed around. It is critical to set a very firm boundary. To know your own limits. In this post, I'm going to attempt to give some clarity on how to identify and protect yourself. 

A healer (that's you if you love another at the expense of yourself, or desire to work / heal / fix / make things better / create / grow big plants, and onwards) is at risk of being pulled under, expected to carry the burdens of others.

When people aren't being 'fed' energetically, or fixed by someone they see as a source or have placed that responsibility on, they'll often trigger, and agitate the one they unconsciously see as a pathway to the resolution; the healer, the lover /friend /coach/ newspaper guy. The easy, soft, caring target. There will be an implicit, then programmed belief that you are somehow responsible (past a clear agreement) for supporting the emotional needs of that person. You are not. 

How does someone get energy? First, with glowing. Then, over time, it's usually by agitating the healer. Find fault,  push a button. We do this in a relationship too, with the effect of the healer feeling like they'done something wrong when they haven't - and the aggressor getting their needs met, and holding greater authority. One cares, the other finds fault. The carer, a caring person, initially only feels like this is an increase in care, which actually suits their spirit, natural inclinations and current needs; they may not realize that an unfair burden being placed on them. 


When an argument is created, you have engagement. Get the energy of attention. Now you have a route to healing. This will often escalate when they feel abandoned or cornered, such as with a relationship ending or a work engagement about to close. Or, when they are just hurting and overwhelmed and want that inner pain softened. And you've got the gift to help.


Why? Because you care deeply and are easily wrapped up in responsibility towards someone else due to your internal mandate to help (often at the cost of your own comfort). You may love them, which makes it likely you'll take the anger and not jump ship. You're a prisoner to your own caring.


1 Anger or inner pain comes up: blame, name, shame, judge to get power and trigger the other
2 Attention: healer naturally react to self-defend or turn to them, and you're now in the muddy sandbox, where they now get your energy, validate reassurance care. Now, you're in it too with them and the focus shifts to the battle; not the original wound. 

3 Bandaid and solve: inner pain is calmed. But not gone. You are not their target. 


Your desire to support may be easily manipulated and fostered when you are around those in need. It is a precious gift. Do not undervalue it. Offer it where you know help is needed, and NEVER at your cost. 

This is important: the person asking you to do this has authority over you, in some way. Opinion, money, status. They'll thrust their hatreds and need at the target (because you are a target), ask you to hold their suitcases of animosity and pain, and you may feel you have to because of their dominance or position. the rules for the engagement and the shared culture you are collaboratively creating are there. 


Over, time, if you are in a controlled environment,  they will imply that an opinion which contradicts their needs is a violation, rather than them increasing their capacity to celebrate the many expressions of freedom, often judging you for not ascribing to the (typically self-gratifying in some way) rules they have, or burdening you for their inner rules for reasons and being and thriving, which are tightly held.

These are issues better dealt with at the root; resolution with the mother or father, past pain, early experiences, dynamics somewhere else which formed and have been left to fester. Outbursts need to be named at the root of origin, claimed, and then the real work of healing can begin.

It is always an internal resolution, so pandering, accommodating, enabling or believing that you are the issue is actually detrimental to the person directing the anger or blame towards you. It misdirects.

It’s two-way healing, however. The healer is complicit; there maybe benefit from being needed, supported, important, wanted, held, valued, cared for or controlled, useful - many reasons; until you ascribe to a more comfortable, less danger-fraught or eggshell  existence.  Until you have rock-hard boundaries 'I will not be hurt or taken advantage of." If you have strong stamina nad will for fixing, it may take you years to get to that place. 


Signs: They're telling you are supposed to be something that isn't natural, to do something that feels stickily off, or resolve things that are not yours to fix (like telling you that you are 'theirs' when you have no desire or intention to be that), directives and goals which are out of a stated agreement. or that you just don’t want. They'll minimize your needs. 


Most of all, they are unable to create safe engagement for you.

These are patterns only of course. 


If they are justifying your discomfort through over-inflating or over-validating the importance of their own (limited, self-gratifying) perspective or needs, then you've got a flaming red flag happening. If they are highlighting faults to get authority or make you feel badly, when your intention was positive, things are out of sync.


If they do not care for your hurt, while in the statement there is this; both partners  - in any engagement of connection - need to be sure to be taking into account all the needs in the room; emotional, practical, or otherwise. If that isn't occurring, step back, reflect, and perhaps get help from another voice of support to ensure you've got a balanced viewpoint. 


You marry this. They are clients, friends, hurtful allies. Controllers. Best-frienders. They track you down, oh bright-light-healer. 

There is no freedom in fixing. And you are not meant to fix them. That is a role, not a life. They are not yours to heal. You are the suppressor or ender of agony, but temporarily only.

You have been caught. Sticky fly legs, struggling to get free of the initially oversweet temptation that holds you firm. Anger, livid, out loud, now has a target, rather the festering or seeping inside (and the chance or healing). 


Disappoint them? Not meeting increasingly dense and heavy needs? The obligation is formed when you are not measuring up - and believe that you should.

Engagement is complicit. If you find this match, there is inner work to do as the healer too. You may want to be captured, held.



They'll often paint, initially, an extraordinary, glorious existence, so be fearful of roses and candles without personal responsibility, respect, and real, truthful expansive thought and self-governance. Do you feel heard and held, respected, and with equal say? For example, when you are dating, clues about who the person is are clear after the honeymoon period has worn off; yet we often want to dismiss them due to attachment.

Is that person, when cornered, able to look to their own issues with grace and clarity, and not project the fault onto you? Do they dump responsibility, or lie and minimize that, as in the case of one-airport chaser I dated briefly? These are important tests that reveal character. 


Then, bring those candles & roses forward and lose yourself in the glow of light created, but as equals meeting, creating your reason, season or lifetime; not as a sticky trap for a lit-up firefly. 


Do not evaluate yourself and whether you want to stay in this engagement based on what you are right now; evaluate on your inner desires for how you want to feel. On your heart. On what feels safe and right. On your potential. Remember, you are looking at your future life, your happiness, your health and wellbeing, and your LIFE freedom. Because those are the stakes. Your life matters. 

They are not loving you. They are eating you. Your energy and your possible future.

You will know, because you are drained and uncomfortable. Off. The anxiety and justification and feeling that you don't quite measure up will spread, but it is actually your body telling you 'keep away'.  


You cannot fix someone directing the burden of their own dark emotions at you. It always comes back, unmet pain. The mature man or woman will always see the person reflecting the pain as a messenger pointing them towards their own healing and personal realization and go inwards instead of blaming, shaming, or externalizing the issue. 

In other words: if they're saying you are the fault and you have not intentionally slammed them over the head with a book, or did not intend to be hurtful, and there is an emotional response occurring that is not taking the facts or long term goals of the connection into account, if they are projecting that you are the issue without having a clear, fair conversation, then don't believe them.
People like a target. 
​It makes it easier to avoid their inner pain. 

Your work is to hold your own needs first, foster your own freedom, then share that lovingly with the world. More notes on energetic healing on another day; this is person-to-person engagement specific. x

11:12 pm

I am eating a seaweed snack, yum. 

Say it with me now. I am worthy. I am free. I am all that I need to be. I am worthy of the life I want. 

11:26 am

Who says you cannot be gross, or incomplete, or average, and then special, wonderful, amazing? All things available to you? Who says that short is better than tall, or tall better than short, or you aren't ''quite enough?"


When did you offer that guru-role away, telling yourself that their theories were more important than yours, or their acceptance more important than the reality of all that you are?

Do not limit based on sex, animal attraction, appreciation, value-added or offered, rules or governance, magazine walls, or rough-shod shoes, and mimic or match those to create a self--identity that runs ragged around the opinions of others. You are ... that. All that. Special, and entering only into those places that rules seek to govern, but the witnesser within knows that you are far beyond those things. While appreciating them, you can also elevate past them. Be that which you are. Seek that which you are. Trust that which you are. Find, refine, dirty-up, wash clean, thoroughly get to know these aspects of yourself in your entirety. Find your resistance, elevate into grace. Free yourself from the limits and the capacities of others, to be all you are, as you all are. Then, you will be free. 

8:57 am

This is my singular, bited-sized life.

When all the irrelevant has been snipped away, cut out from the vast whole within which we fill with the flotsam and jetsom of reality, when singularly and simplicity has been made the order of the day, what then do we choose? Where does our attention tend towards? Can we see behind the mask or the many, into what is real, subtle, hidden? 

Within the chaos of options, it is easy to lose ourselves. To react to the world, instead of creating it. 

When we single our focus down the attention required to fully engage with that thing in front of us, we are able to nuance ourselves into freedom, to see the stars within a single possible note of reality.

The air, one whole, suddenly has subtleties, cool, warmth, no, not just warmth, the Bermuda triangle, his call for prayer, her cry, those endless breezes dancing around you, then torrents, now still. That one thing could be studied for a lifetime if we were that ilk, and we would never know that thing. When we slow, we grow, beyond the frenetic "Get to", into 'I have this." 


The brain will always seek options. When we reduce endless external distractions, we can get into the eharacter of the thing in front of us. Celebrate its warm willingness to just be. Many legs, endless partners? They're all legs. One leg, dive into the warmth, the cells, those stretch marks, that scar from that hotel ice machine, its endless being through time, the creative, unplanned, ancestral, avoided, invoked variations of skin and spot and freckle and dot on that special being. I have loved, with devotion, but the sun itself shines on each of us; it is not limited to character, to personality, to failure, fault or findings, success or worth; it is the life of that thing. Subtle, glorious, unconditional ... free.

Restaurant days, lots of food? It passes, daily, options and extravagances, unnoted. I have been eating largely pumpkin (it's eaten like squash here) and rice, with added variations, as my main meal. That single dish becomes a stabilizer, a reliant fellow, and I'm able to see beyond the ordinary 'food' into the subtleties of flavor, the change within each bite, the daily alteration based on growing seasons, or harvest, or time of the day it was picked. The small changes are noted, and somehow each precious. 

Singularity allows for depth that is otherwise unavailable. Subtleties exist that otherwise pass unnoticed in a busier life. It is easy to miss out on the beauty of things we see as familiar, coming to terms with the intensity of the world. 

We think we need lots of things to be happy. That options create joy. They do not. they may even stretch your energy and focus into a shallow, unmanaged thing. Thought follows objects, intentions, awareness.

"Less is more". It's an old adage, but when you sink into it, that less actually IS more. Take its meaning literally, that means we've been missing more, and it's been sitting right in front of us, in that one orange, that one man, that one piece of art is actually more.


Life is full of options in many - and also the one. One, quieter, becomes a miraculous window into the deeper divinity within a single object. One is many, many are one. Always, we seek to find ourselves in greater recognition, fostering new understandings, and that can take chaotic form, or, it can be a peaceful window into the note of the sacred, found in just those small things.

Looking inwards, I trust that there are deeper knowings, and as I allow the singularity, I see more closely. Deeper still, I meet God, as warmth, as intention, as my gaze, as a sacred, slow thing, as objects, as space, as molecules, as nothing, as still, as the truth of that thing in front of me. And whole universes unfold.

So I have slowed, and found more. Singularity is

We mind our p's %Q's, and then are vicious bend the scens. 

IconographIC: Baji Day

June 16, 2020


Get it. Free, recognizing, allowing that which you are. Insider updates, advanced
bite-sized notice of the most relevant articles, giveaways and gifts. 

8:40 pm

8:57 pm

I have avoided the feeling in jealousy
my whole life, not wanting to hurt other women, so I hid my value, did not develop certain skills, and pulled back from doing the things that brought it out in others. 

That was a strategy for safety. For connection. It failed.

Lately, I've been embracing it as a sign that I am doing well enough 
at something to make someone else worry, or have them confront their fear, a guidepost towards excellence and making it happen, 

loving them all the while but refusing to bow under the smaller aspects our nature,

determined to shine as well as I can in the best way I know how. It is also giving me the freedom to ask "what would I choose now?"

I am scared. I am serious. I send messages, then worry. These are the normal things we do, worrying. Wondering about the opinion of others, whether we are safe in their hands, perspectives sharp and treacherous, or kind enough to find space for the imperfect humanity within each of us. 

6:27 pm

“The subtle thread of the spirit can expand and contract within the body. When it expands, it passes through the brain, heart and body to experience life, and when the same subtle thread of the spirit, is taken inward, it contract itself into the soul, to experience the bliss from within.”

― Roshan Sharma

My reason for being was one.



that is.


So what now? 

5:07 pm

This is the tale of wisdom misgotten and misplaced and a few questions about where it actually is.

We know the things we know, and these are liable to change, if we are fluid in our imaginings and open within our minds. That is wise.
Fluid mind.


There are those who have found a mental train track they like, and they'll run that thing ragged, grooving it into deep straight tracks, gifting them with a devoted resistance to ... well, anything that much alters that particular line of thought.

Fierce thought. 

A conscious mind will always hold multiple dichotomies, turns and twists, and complexities which require balance against one another, often making the holder of these questions seem more questioning and uncertain. It will also hold multiple truths, often in total conflict with one another. 


The trouble is, minds lacking wisdom but with a solid practice, career credibility, and an understanding of particular disciplines will often seem wise. Clear, mindful, certain. A destabilization when studying isn't required; to know the particulars of a craft is simply a matter of guided information integrating into new knowledge. 

When you only have a few train tracks to worry about and protect, it is easy to be fierce and certain and trustworthy. You can be predictable and committed to your understanding, clear in your articulation. This does not mean that there is any leap of logic, any destiny unfolding, and a  thorough examination of theory that leads to the depth of understanding that real wisdom requires. Ther are leaders,,. and there are thinkers, and skillsets are wildly different.


Then, the two meet, and magic occurs, so the thought that we are not smart when we are seekers is a critical one to break; you may just be seeing the world with fresh, uncertain eyes, on the happy route to a new way of experienced our collective reality, rife with possibility and bursting with theories that as of yet unexplored or undeveloped. You may not have financial stability yet. You may be building a cabinet. You may be theoretical in a way that requires a different approach to ground into solid action. Or time to come to expressed clarity.


This does not mean you are not wise.


Train-track mind-lines are assets. They have the certainty to inspire people to follow you, a well-run path, often the career framework to offer you recognition and acclaim, financial rewards which offer strength, certainty, admiration.  We get very good at protecting those tracks.

These minds will not always like the process of the creation of wisdom, which requires anecdotal knowledge to be replaced by the chaos of uncertain creation, because it wiggles those tracks, jostling up theories into something perfectly new. You, a thinker, threaten. In you question, you'll strike fear into the merry hearts of men around that table, jostling elbows. drinking mead, and walls come tumbling down. 


Certainty thrives in stable town squares. Stones have been laid. And we do not want faulty kingdom walls. Those are havoc-led. Thus, messy minds in the creation of truth are often fallen by the side of the road. It's muddy there. Messy. Matching the indignity of a crusader that does not yet have all the answers, but a willingness to explore the unknown alleys and roadways in front of them.

One is certain, the other seeking. But an old school mind takes into account the past; not the future. "Do not look back" a beautiful man in a cafe said to me once. He was wrong: I did, and it taught me, firmly, to embrace tomorrow. 


Both a structured mind and a fluid one have gifts. Statements of excellence. The 'other' theory is a misnomer; we hold all these roles, all these minds, and perpetually navigate between them, growing weary then choosing our identity within them. But we often  So we let dogmatic thinkers lead, guide our thoughts, or sit in bars and wax poetic about nonsense, teach and tell us the right ways of governance, and even when they're maniacal or foolish. We are regularly misled into thinking that this is the same as wisdom. It is not.

Foolish minds are certain. Seeking minds are sinners against a cherished, known ideal. There is not much we can know for certain, held to the piercing light of critical thought, an open mind or willing heart, to see the other in ourselves.


These are fools concepts to the known route, yet that also the seriousness required to ask real questions:


  + Are we doing things the right way. are we on path?

  +  Is this old mode of thinking bringing us the new, desired results? 

  + Is the leader of these thoughts a soothsayer of ancient wisdom, one better evolved, are they old-school, agenda-led, or just really thankful, truly charismatic and charming in that gorgeous tuxedo (but full of pre-thought thoughts, washed and buffed and reshone? 

Thoughts are often very linear, perfectly personal, tribal-based and self-benefiting, and lacking though, depth, clarity of causation and results, or just generally, our own personal motivations for having them. We are, as I said in an earlier post, constantly veering our way towards myopia, stacking one known thought on another theory, and calling that clear outcome. Even the very theory of wisdom itself must be in question. It is perception, feels good, and usually has a note of depth - or the theory of it - we like.



"It's like this ..."

This is a phrase my lease-holding landlord, who I am in a fight with, says at the beginning of every sentence, while I tell him my version back. This translates as 'this is my way' while making it sound as if it's fact. I then tell him my way, and we war out battling theories.

"This is reality:"

This means: "This is the reality I see or want to create, or the thing I learned, or, young, foolish dreaming child, I am wise, and see potential doom, so get real and certain and predictable". (There may be validity to the warning). Another option: they are telling you the prevalent version of shared understanding of the reality we're in. 


"This is the right way to do it:"

Right is being used as a God-statement, attached to a previously tested goal or the desired outcome (but people use this all the time to get their personal needs met, so this one is a catch-all that you'll want to watch for).


Within the conversation, rather than battling the process, get to the outcome. Sometimes the right way is indeed the right way. But not always. But clarity on where you are headed is critical. 

"This is confirmed by scientists", means:


At this point in time, science, with its current understanding is able to ascertain that this may be the most likely truth until another truth comes along which gives us a more particular or refined understanding. But for now, this is true. And I, since I have a study backing me, am likely more right than you, unless you can find a more credible study.  Posturing. Positioning. Seeking for clarity. Truth, as we know it. Now, there's this perspective; fluid mind allows for the certainty we have right now - while opening to the latent future possibly.


A super-mind knows it is all fine and we know what we know, and then later, we'll know knew things.  

Old-man knowing:

You meet at a cocktail party. Or a classroom. Or a water cooler. You shake hands, and the stand-off begins, gilded and glowing with smiles, bonhomie.  You size up. Questions begin. Introductions begin, and the laser-eye settles... on a weakness. Instant highlighting of some fact or accomplishments you do not yet have, and questioning it immediately directed towards that specific thing, to establish superiority or experience, making you feel instantly vulnerable and insecure, thus highlighting their superiority and thus leadership in your mini-group.


"Have you polo-jumped beans?" they ask loftily.

"Oh, you haven't?" they say, chin lifting in a nod. "Umnnm hmmmm, I see".

Then they'll highlight how difficult it is, and establish the value of the thing you do not know. 

They'll then ask what you do. Instantly, there will be a crack in your approach. Not at a million yet? Unfamiliar with Niiciuaraga? Oh, you don't have shiny silver yet? Ah, I see. 


It may be implied how naive you are for trying what it is you're doing, from their comfortable, unquestioned position of authority. They've stolen ground, picked the location of the battlefield. This is not your friend. While this person may seem knowledgable, it's a time-honored dance. The theories they propose are a set-up to establish dominance of positon. It is a rooster fight. Big chest, big crow, big colors, big win.

I recently had a program and one of the participants spent every meeting highlighting what was wrong in the middle of a thousand rights, faults by pretending they were questions, as a way to position herself as superior. Fault-finding seems credible may even seem thoughtful, determining and even intelligent, but the serious nature of a questionnaire is open to the truth of an answer, which is not automatically 'I'm smarter than you are, na na na na boo boo".  Each mind has merit. We meet as equals, as we are, and then we relate. 

The position we are in does not imply worth or lack. The depth of thought is not dictated by how far into an experience we are. That said, we also need to give room for theories that are tested, minds that are knowledge-based and the wisdom gleaned from many minds, history and the years of experience in a particular craft. But there are a lot of great thinkers who see themselves as less worthy due to instability of the question, lack of hierarchy within just society, or just because others are really good at the positioning. 



A sincere question does not laser in on the pain of inadequacies in front of them. 


If this is occurring,  DO THE EXACT SAME THING. Learn from the masters. Anything you are asked, you can ask back. You are allowed. If that creates discomfort, then you know you were not actually in a conversation. You were in a game of positioning. Do it with amusement at the tribal dance you're in*. Or, you can lead with love and fawn over them. That works in different sort of way. it will create safety for them, reduces the need for positioning, but make you invisible, or holding the healer/caretaker role. 

"That's ridiculous/preposterous/insane" means:


"I don't currently understand that and the premise violates some world view. Or, it's silly.  I  am pedantic or superior." Or opinion may actually be those things. One must be critical, and honorable, and ruthless in our assessment, both of ourselves and others.

"Everyone thinks." means:

"People I have gossiped with, things I have read, or my mind is now swayed to a popular opinion which support my viewpoint, and you, because you have fewer allies, are less right than me. I WIN". 

I'll say more on this last technique because it's such a fiercely determinantal approach that damages individual safety and is a  hallmark of bullying. It leads people to feel isolated, unsafe, unwanted and alone, based on total bullshit, so I'm rather vicious my defense of it, and angry for those that have gone through it, especially if you've lost your confidence as a result. Vigilante-heart, hurrah.

This last method leverages strength in numbers or collective (cherry-picked) beliefs to validate a viewpoint. It looks like a citation of a popular magazine, historic figure, a group perceived as strong, or a study. It's a chicken-bird stretching its wings to make itself look bigger in the dust yard so it scares its opponent. 


It is very specifically designed to make you feel insecure and outnumbered. It is tribal positioning. Kindergarten politics. This method will bring up in you a need for connection, which is linked to our basic need for safety, and your amygdala, so it is a way of getting a physical fear response, which shuts down your ability to argue. (Your bodies physical response to untruth and influence is a whole other post). So it may also sway you, if you want to belong (away from wisdom and truth) into believing nonsense.

"I may let you join our side", she whispers, like in a game of duck, duck, goose. But we're right".

Strength in numbers does not equate to the truth. They are in fact, often dangerous. Bandwagons. Mobs. Ku Klux Clan. "They said" is not critical analysis. Nor fact. Leaning on numbers to validate a viewpoint inevitably veers the ship away from the land we need to get to safe ground. 


"This is how it is:" Is it really, now? Who says?


Ah. I am a natural contrarian. Curious. And I like being right. So I ask questions. I like it when the person answering them and I come to terms on the method for getting to the outcome. Trouble is, there is a lot of certainty without a lot of thought. We must ask, to know. Give away, to have. "Because I said so" may look like wisdom,  but they're opinions. One must have a foundation for opinion to be truth. Goals. Directives. "Do It" the parent says,

Just things to watch for, be aware, then release. That's all. 

Overall, just watch for wisdom-screamers and certain minds, even when they are presenting well (sometimes especially so or in positions of authority, which can be led by practice, resources and proximity as much as real skill and intelligence. Not always. But a question is powerful Be careful for the shiny snakes and smiling gaslighters, and look for the content, backed up by informed and comprehensive thinking, not just route memorization). 

Wisdom heals. Wisdom questions. Wisdom does not demand allegiance to a particular point of view. 

Right, now I am off for the chocolate bar. x

* I've seen women in business using this technique recently too, with the effect that everyone is out chest-puffing and poking wounds. Even the energetics of women in the spiritual community are now showing this model of engagement. It is done both in sympathy "aww, tell me your hurt, as I save you and thus become the stronger/wiser/one",  or, by intentionally activating and trigger the extreme rawness of someone. Highlighting faults to get strength. This is both conscious and unconscious, bound up in a desire to help and also to be the lead.


Wisdom feels, assesses, learn, and grow. It does not stand taller, stronger.
Thankfully, it loves too. 

8:43 am

I have a story about work versus play that needs busting down.
I'm highly productive on days off that I am 'catching up on work".
And I enjoy it more, even when I'm doing the exact same activities.

Quick perception of the distinction between the two:


  • Mental focus and story

  • Appreciation and focusing on the joy of completion versus the unconscious need to achieve

  • The feeling of time freedom (even though I've been working for a few hours)

  • Choice of activity (even then I choose the same)

  • Ability to be flexible

  • Released emotional weight, obligation

  • Feeling of self-ownership, self-kindness

  • A feeling I have the freedom to choose

Try a weekend watch. See how it shifts your own perception of work, leaves space for new thoughts and feelings. (If you have that old 'I'm working on weekend" automatic resentment come up, table that for the following weekend, and remind yourself this is choice. Then, see what emerges for you. 

I am now going to get a raw chocolate bar. Little trips to the corner store make me feel
I'm at the end of a cul-de-sac on a summer night. Joy.

Eye-rolling moment...I now work ... well, I just quit. But I'll be back in a moment.

Still doing the things, but with a different perspective. :-) 

I am on a day off. This means I am getting all most important things done,
including things I've been putting off at work. May all future days be days off! 


8:07 am


This is the lunacy of racism.


I've been eating a lot of pumpkins lately. So it got me thinking about we elevate or reduce things by arbitrarily picking qualities to see as valuable or not valuable.

We'll then either bully-whip ourselves to better or act superior, telling ourselves we're now innately worth more, which feels mighty and good. A woman was looking sneeringly at my torn nails in the middle of construction (I am hand-building a sink with concrete - this is my new toy, concrete, like clay, but only more fierce)! and judging me for them. By the look on her face, I was now dog-poo, due to the length between manicures,


I, thankfully don't ascribe, (usually) and chose to focus on my sink instead of my manicure.


Those "Newly successful" will often fall prey to this; getting the things, the money, clothes and the car, and increasingly valuing their own worth relative to others as they rise up the ladder, thereby supporting the theory that as they make it they're 'special'. Thye also maybe mimicking a success 'avatar" which uses an old-school 'get' modeI, moderately, did this too.


This softens any innate security and makes the climb initially easier. It also validates that inner belief that we're a bright shining light in the midst of paler ones, and what we suspected may be true. That we're aaaaamazing. (You may in fact be bright and shining, and I do not doubt this, but it is a valuation of comparison). It also cracks confidence when the inevitable first fall comes, and the self-identity that uses hierarchy and comparison for valuation must be rebuilt into things more stable, less in reliance to your relationship amongst other things, more founded on heart and is-ness and choice. But it's a miserable process. 


Positioning is a human characteristic. One problem we face is when we start valuing based on judgments however, is that we fall prey to the same judgment we are placing on others. It enmeshes us in the theory that there is a right or wrong way to be, a valuable or not valuable way to live, look, have, think, swim, act. It is an aggressive act towards yourself fand others to devalue based on having or having not. We're battling out with fisticuffs of mattering more. It's easy to get caught up in the battle. Rising to oneness, or a sense of peace and appreciation of the equality and innate value of all requires us to see beyond it. 

That hierarchy-mind settles nicely on our own brow and it is difficult to escape, whether you fall at the bottom end of it (low value), or the top (high value). It feels better being at the top, but the thing is, you're still hanging on that same fishing string, aiming for the golden fish. You are not the one holding the rod. 

Goals: Freedom. 


Look at a pumpkin and tell yourself it is worth-less due to the color of the skin. (perception of value)


The skin, worshiped or adulterated, abandoned or shamed. (I like, don't like, personal preference, judgment value leading to actions)


Open the pumpkin, it is still the same filling. (both nails, lacquered or not, still body, brown-skinned or not)


Seeds, for growth. Taste similar, nutty, sweet, sacred, soul-filling, rich or subtle, bright and coppery or resonant, malted, spicy, texture shredded or plush. (Assessment of personal reference, feelings of truth starting to come up). Geting to know that thign beyond the mental story or scoping judgment. Having dinner with that person you hated.). 

"That bump, that skin, that unsightly hair",we cry, obsessing over the surface characteristics.

"And just LOOK where that pumpkin is, what it is thinking". (This is how we spend our time. Judgment and reduced valuation against personal rules, hierarchy valuation to get us higher on the fishingstring).


The true characteristics of The Pumpkin (Godself) are only experienced when we are willing to see it; to take the time to know the subtleties. Appreciate, nurture, and the spell is released, and we know them in all their countenance. In other words, value it EXACTLY as it is. In a limo or on the street, poor, white, black, Asian, rich, Elephantitis, gross, Indian, thin, fat, rich, scaled, whatever the truth of that beautiful creation is. Because really, who are we to see that the creation in front of us is not perfect? Infinite drops of sand, freeing ourselves from an imagined state. Ah. I'd rather thank you than hate you. Rather appreciate you than judge you. 

Pumpkin People, we orient to the wrong things. We are all pumpkins. Isolated, that pumpkin is still a pumpkin. Different shade? Pumpkin. Forgotten, still a pumpkin. Looking good? Still a pumpkin. Hanging out with those other seeds, wrong neighborhood? Ah, more pumpkins. Culturally rich, simple in mind? Still a pumpkin. We do not say the pumpkin is wrong if it is different; we ask of the soil, the heritage, and are curious. 


Our desires, often primal in nature (safety, connection, assets, security, goodwill) are the predominant characteristic in any assessment of value. They define our fundamental theories of worth, orient our perspective, and drive the level of want for the thing we want (to solve an issue or create a resolution) defining our perspective on value and worth.

Hate, judgment, animosity, prejudice, requires an emptiness that needs filling, a desire for the satiation of some unconscious need. An alleviation of childhood pain, perhaps a fear of losing connection, or assets, or safety. Popular opinion. You've got an empty belly, if you will, with the desire for some type of food on the table. So you bring out your knife, and you STAB the hunted. Down the pumpkin goes. Give me food. Give me freedom. 


But that isn't freedom. There is always another fear behind it, always a worry to fix. Here is a ready solution, with some work behind it.

(But it's for you, then them, so will be enjoyable too). Fill up. With love, with things, with appreciation, with uncommon connections, with an attitude of gratitude for the things you have see. When you're full, you've got not enough emptiness left to fear that thing, not enough hate left to run that thing, not enough animosity to ever bring that to your table. Love just fills it all up. And this isn't about the things you have; it's about the perspective you hold. 


The saint says "They're the same thing". The pyscho says "I hate you due to your lack of me-ness, let's fight it out". The neutral viewer says "Let me see." Love says "You are. And that is good. Come to my table, and we shall feast, all as one". 

Tea Fields
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 15, 2020


8:21 pm

(Mothers always know their child, this time or that).
Lives, and connections, recirculate.  x

8:18 pm

I want to muse.
As an occupation. 
Both the being and the witnessed.

I need to get more fascinating. 



is sick,




8:07 pm

It's real. 

that said, it seems imaginary too. 

you hear it, feel it,

then want it,
to be something now,
but that won't work; it needs to percolate,
to endure, to answer, to allow,
to thrive itself into new life,
to burst into the truth.

divine timing.
there is such a thing. 

Sigh. The joy of a safety tube. I have a green velour blanket that I am wrapped up tightly in like a sushi roll in as I work. Sort of the same. 

Sometimes the energy is metaphorical, sometimes actual, sometimes as time, occasionally as money. Sometimes that person is charming, sometimes in need, but without remorse or accommodation. Their need is the priority. 
Do not settle, beauty, do not settle. Just say 'eww', and walk away. Do not waste your life on that. Oh, and if they diminish your needs, or make you feel wrong or broken or inconvenient or somehow less than them for having them, while still wanting you to show up for theirs, they're likely overvaluing their own.

2:36 pm

A (wo)man who takes
your energy and still thinks

(s)he has something exquisite,
special, or wonderful to offer. 

12:44 pm

I have a distraction bug right now which tells me it is better to be on Pinterest than it is to be focusing on work. "Do not finish" it spins. Thus, I am finding images for work, then hunting down the artists to feature them in the newsletter. Grateful that my work leads me to this. Endless fascinations though. 

Sometimes the brain finds subtle ways to rest, like Facebook, or water cooler gossip about inconsequentials, or delving into theoretical, conceptual wanderings instead of aligning with the focus we need. It is telling us that a holiday is in order, or integration, processing or re-sorting of information. TV at night does the same, but I do not much watch tv - too much time and seemingly, many things to do. :-) This concept however is forgiveness you can allow for yourself if you punish yourself for taking needed integration time. The brain needs to put that weight down after a push for the muscle to repair and come back stronger. 

Like Pinterest! It is also useful for branding. And amazing art. I'm still developing my taste, and always note a shift in appreciation each visit. 

Check out my boards here:


Last season I dated Wix as I built my site out, and right now I am in a romance with my Pinterest homefeed, as it seems to automatically bring up the exact messages I need. Accidental. Imagined. Algorithms. Magic. 

For example, I was thinking earlier about the aforementioned GG's (Gossiping Guru Girls), which was a dreadful experience, and this just came up:













One of 30 that resonated. While it may be a little crass (it is) sometimes we just need someone on our side. It makes the wobbly parts stronger. The glorification of "I've got you", a sanctimonious, "I hear you", the togetherness of "weren't they terrible?" which helps us face the pain to get back to kinder, softer perspectives.

We feel heard, new ground is built which takes our perspective into account, so we can let go and start again. 

Thanks, Pinterest. x

12:17 pm

We need to be wrong to be without limits

11:32 am

9:10 am

Eeeeek. Emails go out tomorrow for B.Grace, evolving into the best thing I have ever done. 

Nirvana currently is a glorious afternoon taking time to pause, appreciate, savour tea, blend formulations and whisper new things into being. Marigold flowers, Comfrey, Lavender. Ancient names with heritages of healing, rolling off my tongue like jewels. Excited to share. 

If you're not yet on my list, sign up to make sure you get that series!
There are gifts and special offers, available specifically for this list. 

8:54 am

7:00 am (shifting to EST time zones). 

Your bad mood. Their harrowing heart need. The seeking goals of an aspiring artist. The anger of a past partner. The ego. The needs of a personality. This is not all of who we are, but it the beautiful, felt, aspect of ourselves with the greatest stranglehold.

The personality self, an aspect of a rather complex map of human experience, is the product of our experiences perceptions and a slew of other things, (I poindextered my way through this the last few years, and I'll share at a later stage) is a creation, largely, and grows and evolves through our spiritual work.

The evolution of personality takes time, typically, to be replaced by the softer acceptance and is-ness of spirt. Big trauma, big experiences will usually influence speedier change.

But what, fundamentally, is driving our desire for evolution? Is it our vastness of spirit? Sometimes. Often, despite our best aspirations, comfort connects us to a lack of aspiration towards growth - so we until we are called into it, we don't walk that path. The need to escape an uncomfortable experience pushes us towards change. We want to fix, to evolve into a better life, to get happier. 

But this can spin us out. Direct us towards behavior — rather than inner growth. Goal-setting spiritual awakening is rife within the community of seekers. We like to position ourselves in the herd. It can also be detrimental. To you. 

If you are celebrating awakening, spiritual growth, one must ask, are you aiming for a more desired state, seeking truth, or are we looking for the alleviation of suffering using the theory that if you suddenly awake more, become more enlightened, more peaceful, more steadfast in your connection to an unperturbed and uninterrupted state of self-awareness, you will now be worthy, happier, more peaceful? Somehow more arrived? More worthy?

It is usually both. We are in the juxtaposition between personality wanting growth, and spirit wanting expression. The entity of one wants to move through your brain and mind. And it is peaceful, so peaceful.

It looks so glowing, glorious and appealing. So of course we want that. 


Back and forth we go, seeking to stabilize a connection to something already in existence, beyond ourselves. We value the personality-less, to get more of that thing. This diminishes us, destroys the ego, but it also gives this away: our self-love. Our right to be a total fucking mess. To explore consciousness through our flailing muddy hands. To plant wildflower seeds and watch them grow. To thrive and totally embrace the emotional needs of a personality — while allowing for spirit to naturally weave its way through your personality.

The whole ascension model — even the word — is built on hierarchy, so I am questioning it this morning. 

I was  told recently by a tantra guy I got annoyed at for sending me a nude photo that I was "not being spiritual." This is total manipulative hogwash, designed to get him his way and steal my preference for engagement. Annoyance is a boundary. Feelings, moods, are navigations, clues, self-governance. 

He was also implying there was a "right way" to be spiritual. Perhaps. But who says? Enlightened is he? Is spirituality innately wound up with a value system, a system of behavior, or is it just is, with the activism, behaviors, and actions of those more spiritually enlightened open for discussion, evolving, and repeating themselves? Also, are we looking at the right things?

I had a pink car at one point (yes I did!), and all I could see were pink cars everywhere after that. Incidentally, I drove halfway across Canada solo with a cowboy hat, two kittens and books on tape. A favored adventure. But I digress. Either way, the brain orientates around concepts. It filters truth once it has settled on an ideal. It sees what it has noted and what has been introduced to it. It is myopic. It likes rules. So we may be - as we grow - seeing spiritual growth all wrong. 

We goal-set peace. We laud those who have accomplished this. That means it becomes a goal, an earned, aimed-for growth in the midst of wake-ups, an idol, and we risk creating a replacement personality; not allowing truth.


Are there dark spiritual masters? Is a spiritual warrior a jerk at times? Why not? Do someone also talk really fast because their brain is speeding and processing rapidly, now that they've healed that fear of their own strength? Or slowly, Ekhart-like, that sacred-water moving towards ecstasy, steadily, slowly softly? What is the right way to be spiritual?


For a while all the spiritual women in one group in Bali where hommming, and oohmming unnhiuhhhing after all their words and speaking really slowly, and wiggling their bums as they sunk into chairs, centering into grounded activated spiritual connections. When we one started, then the many followed. That was not innately more spiritual, but we all saw it as such. Adopted behaviors.


Until we question. Does spirit want to bash a head or grow a tree? I want to know Truth, want to be in it, not tell it what it should look like. My real, your real, your teachers real, may be totally made up. Truthfully, I do it too - we all do. We are all a byproduct of our environments. But we question, then we evolve past limits into the truthful expression of who we are. 

A common theory is when you are calm, speaking slowly, or in total acceptance (their rules) ascribed to rules, then you are more spiritual or more awake. Peace is enlightenment. So we then punish the parts of our personality that are not that way, and get into a self-blaming dynamic, or suppression to 'be' more right. That is a violence towards yourself. We cannot jump past the discomfort of the personality; nor should we want to; the very cornerstone of awakening is acceptance of what 'is'. It evolves, we are. Then we grow. We are small monsters and big souls both.

To fully embrace who we are, we must allow all of ourselves. Be in the dissatisfaction. Name it. Threaten it. Claim it. That is all. It tends to dissipate when unavoided, so owning ourselves truthfully is necessary for real growth to occur. All of us, unwilling to see the gross characteristics. Do not shy away. Perhaps that is why the darkest violences and visions within a severe awakening occur; subjective reality or not, perceived or believed as real or not, when met, they lose power, and there is real freedom afoot. 

Any time there is a master, there is a slave. Leadership is a risk, both to the follower - and the truth of the teacher. That is what rules of rightness and wrongness do to us. They limit. Structure, guidance, routine, pre-existing knowledge, I believe are (based on a lot of wrong choices :-) critical. But we must also question the reign we're under. Open our minds beyond these things. 

The opportunity in an awakening is to awaken to new possibility, uncharacteristic of an old paradigm of cultural collectivity. To pause. To heal and be gentle with where you are at. Just for you, at first. Discover who you are naturally. You are not wrong for feeling. Do not adopt another set of rules that requires to your suppression or aiming to be elsewhere than where you ar.e That will arise naturally.


I am skeptical of aspirations towards better being named by someone else. It usually feels like rules of life or spiritual gaming or boss persona now translated over into awakened consciousness from the person naming them.

"I like being in charge, so I will now LEAD the spiritual movement! Okay, gather round now, these are the rules." 


Do not seek to be, just be. 

When you tell yourself there is a right way to be, or believe others who tell you this, you're liable to escape the allowance of the freest state you can know, which is absolutely unhindered by any other impact whatsoever from the minds, rules or engagement of those around you, purely in connection with the divine. Wherever you are breathing; here, there or in your mother wound - is all. 

Goal-orientated awakening seems the byproduct of a human desire for betterment, growth, often sourcing from a belief that we are not enough, rather than the gentle acceptance of new next state, whether that is emotional; prepared for it or not, a mess or sanctified within the grandness of a total existence. It is, that said, also a natural desire of the tree stretching its roots. But the driver creates the direction. 

I would rather the light of truth pour from the mess of sobs, and tears, and ecstasy, and radiant explosions of justice, and triggers and peace, then the aimed for ideal for a spiritual master, who likely cried in his living room for three years as he dropped his conditioning and earned his teacher stripes. Who is that being, really, beyond his conditioning? What if consciousness, spirit, in that one, wants storms and intensity? What if they naturally orient to a supernova and emotional need instead of a green, lolling, peaceful meadow? Scream loudly, good sir, the thing you are is perfect. (just hold it back in the boardroom, there is a time and a place for personal expression).


You, free one, can be the thing you want, now, taking into account the impact, sensibly. The personality is the tool we're working within. A personality is not removed from a spirit, it is an expression of it. It is not less than. It is not something to be escaped from. It evolves, if we do the work, gentled through acceptance, through truth, through peeling back the layers of our responses to get to our deeper desires. Peace is a natural extension. 

It is ... what it is. Where you are now. 

IconographIC: Baji Day

June 14, 2020


6:36 pm

Most of our personality is a relative concept. 
But what if you're looking at the entirely wrong thing? 



I came to the conclusion that fear for me at 21, when I moved to a new city, took a new job, and knew nobody in a city whose language I did not speak, then, after months of double-shifts and no days off, and a shamanic awakening, I developed anxiety. It was a route out. Not an actual issue. 

I overworked, got tired, and went into exhaustion which is often the beginning of an awakening. When you're too tired to hold 'normal', the brain has the capacity to start moving beyond it. When life is breaking, you will too. 

Fear is a warning sign. It is also a healthy response to experiences that are outside of our control. I was working punishing hours, on very little sleep, filling in shifts, people-pleasing my bosses, wanting the best bar at this popular nightspot, scared to fail. The charming one. The secretly overwhelmed one.

First, I got allergies. I could not stop sneezing. Hours. This is a form of torture. Weeks on end. I stopped being able to breathe through my nose. The body talks. Allergies run in our family, so the summation was that I was now developing my allergies. Pills are always an instant solution. Claritin did not work. Flonase did. 

I drank cranberry vodka shooters. I have a low tolerance. I was exhausted. I was on a treadmill. I was waking with terrible nightmares and visions, and a fear of death. I could not swallow, felt I could not breathe, and these weird, odd occurrences kept happening. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries.

The body is a reflection of life, thus, when mind is dying or identity cracking, it believes death may be imminent. It will react. It finds sick. I think it also wants an escape, some control. A way out. Illness results in care. A rest. We are victims to our need for self-discovery.

So I developed anxiety. In retrospect, it was intelligent of my mind. 


A true spiritual awakening is not for lightweights. How do we truly change? In discomfort. Ongoing requirements towards new evolution. When do our brains shift? When they must. Breakdowns are change-times. So a spiritual awakening is often at the tail-end of a trauma.

I was, to coin a phrase, seeing the matrix. Beyond the illusion. I was also seeing dinosaurs getting out of elevators, as real as day. These are not things you can talk about. I got scared at the visions, did not want the symptoms or fear, and so took anxiety pills instead (21). Numbing out is encouraged. Weirdness prohibited. Awakening unrecognized.

Happily, each time I've gone through illness I would directly correlate both with overwork and subsequent awakening, it never made sense to me that a well-body would have to stay sick. I had overworked, thus directly contributed to new feelings and illnesses, and so that theoretically meant I would be able to reverse it. So I healed. Overwork, breakdown, new awareness. Healing. Pretty safe cycle. Effective too. The self-induced version of an unmitigated disaster most face through death or destruction, which force awakening upon us, and which I have been lucky enough not to face.

Until this year. A series of events, most unfortunate. Ludicrously many.

Death, loss, death, loss, loss, loss, breakdown, business interruption, death, accident, bike accident, concussion (my third), bacterial infection, illness, loss, staff, overwork, the ousted politician Eric Schneiderman, a client who was an extreme doppelganger to my ex-husband, whose behavior thrust me into dealing with the abuse I'd handily and niftily bypassed. That alone was enough. Yet there was more. My healer Jim died, my best childhood friend broke up with me for giving her my assistant for bookings and not tending to her more. I was both the caretaker and seer for almost everyone in my life...and I was drowning. I was seeing the realities of everyone around me, past/present/future. The collective grid. The mental maps of fewer than three almost drove to insane. My brain literally went awol. Fugue. I had the symptoms of strokes, three times over, what felt like heart attacks as my body shut down, and I hid. Maintained. I have never been so scared. The subsequent healing has taken months, all while I preserved myself in a vat of pickled meaning-based 'friendships', get back to work hid this, get to normal'. Get to routine. Get to safety. Find the safe passage.

During that time there were periods of uncommon clarity paired with absolutes wall of zoned out nothing, memories and identity wandering away, as I saw them leaving. I cried for myself. I met demons. I saw death, I died. Body, this insane illusion, was torn to shreds, and I felt it, over and over. Imagined? Past time? Over and over. I met time, then swallowed a snake. I met Isis. On and on it went. And On. I got rescued. Unmitigated, uncontrolled, profound. Sacred.

But what is the difference between a wake-up and insanity? Probably not much. Both are mind. Most are insane to a degree, depending on your benchmark. Gradients of normal. I was a teacher of spirit. Well, I met spirit. I'd asked for it. And it was not much more than the entire fucking world map of the entire fucking world and then beyond. 

How you manage the perceptions of others, and your ability — in maintaining the constructs of a normal life and getting back to life, your subsequent success at integrating a new expanded reality worldview with the old, mainstream one, guides your future experience after a cataclysmic awakening. If insane can go to work and talk normal, they're not insane. Or at least acceptably insane. If you can manage, you'll do alright. If you can get successful then, you're a genius. 

All this mental fluidity, crazy or not, does provide a window into the access to insights you cannot get with a more structured and familiar world view. And it has left me with extraordinary understandings and abilities. Those were not the goal. They are a natural extension of an expanded mind. Seeing through time? Pshaw. It's all now. Being there? Instant. Time, distance, concepts that break with mind-theory, thought, relativity. Hate, love, after the most violent resistance on my part, that all fell away into neutrality. It had too. We cannot hold opinion. My brain lost its ability to process, so I just was. See? There it is. Truth.

These are all the hallmarks of awakening, one I resisted in my 'normal' world, however conceptually open to the experience I was.  While I was standing on firm ground, there was still ground, and up was theoretically up. That all shifted and changed. Trees are now upside down, theoretically, so I want to see their heads. Meaning the theories I had of reality were so entirely desensitized from normal that I am open to all. That takes time to see with, these new eyes. I am integrated, insane, lucid beyond any awareness I have previously held. It also means mind is open to truth, what 'this is'. rather than the things I think it is. I'm also a good faker of normal.

That is easier, until things ground. 

It was an uncontrolled, uncreated awakening. A labyrinth I could no longer find my way through. But so supported. I had guides and healers and masters throughout working in my favour. And I balled and I sobbed my way through it. Bravery is also subjective. The universe, orchestrating for my growth, while the world around me crumbled. Breakdown, to breakthrough. It felt like it was happening 'to me', but I was, instead, perhaps, gifted with a series of events that would allow for a cataclysmic restructuring of theories, understandings and the opening of a new reality. To awaken. That is the privilege. 


The goal in my first severe awakening was to 'get back to normal'. To do that well, I needed to be successful. Too much. I wanted the safe passageway to recognition and commendations. Many will have this experience, seek to hide their maladaptation, scared of looking anything like the crazy person on the street or being looked at by their sister like they're crazy. Instead, they'll hide their fury between the sheets with strange alliances, waiting it out, sitcom-silencing, or emotionally managing at the bar, or haloing themselves into oblivion through causes and creeds. 

I was healthy, wealthy and wise, for years. All those good things. And miserable, unmet, empty. All those typical things. 

My ex-husband was a severe alcoholic. Analytical, a scientist, the managing partner of a law firm he had created. Angry at everybody else's failures. There is more on this, but I have spent the last two years working through my avoidance, that same desire to please, to marginalize my needs to avoid anger, to inspect and eradicate the 'my fault' brainwashing, and to get past my very determined bypassing to come to a deep thankfulness for the experience; and also a clear, terrible understanding of the level of manipulation and abuse. Recently, it is mostly the unfairness, the feeling that my 'higher road' at the end, a spiritual ideal, was ravidly abused and leveraged for his game. That makes me stupid and witless, which I cannot abide. He stole and freaked, and my need for peace took me hostage, and his war won. I let myself unprotected, gamed into fluid freedom, and his lack of ethics, and my fear of holding him accountable, kept him safe.

That makes me angry still. 


It is a textbook case, but I wanted to be special enough to not have been a victim of something so ordinary as abuse. Fairy tales are easier. He was 17 years older than I. I was a princess in a penthouse castle that I spent a year designing. He was powerful. He was demented. And no matter our behavior, no human is without redemption, no man without beautiful qualities, so it is always complex. He was, and is, both kind and cruel. I loved his heart. We had a settled life. He brought my windswept possibility structure. I was terrified of his anger. I am responsible to my victimization. I suffered under his reign. I am tainted by my choices, but not by his.


I could not stay. I left after I got ill. My body spoke, and it was the only thing I'd listen too, the thing that pushed me beyond my desire to fix things. I was also in a gateway of knowledge and new awakenings. 

My subsequent awakening was both exquisite, and unfamiliar, scary, with constant physical symptoms and new things seen and experienced. I was seeing things I did not believe in; yet was experiencing very real responses to them, often detrimental. I was helping others without the necessary time to integrate. I was loving the high. It was confusing and all-encompassing.


Without healing, I went right into a business build with a personal development technique I'd found to rescue me. The weight of the movement and the cost of an unformed platform fell onto my shoulders. It was the next royal cloak. I bore it heartily. It was just replacing one weight for another, so I slipped easily into the role. 

The overwhelm this brought was understandable; reasonable. Like in a war, when you feel safety threatened - it is wise to be scared. When your body feels held by others, that is a scary thing. When your mind feels not your own, that is a scary thing. Even as you welcome it. Even as you choose the intensity, knowing it is your right path.

I was in storms at four that threatened to capsize our boat; spent months at sea with extreme movement and unstable footing, with sightings of land a month away, ate stew, dried milk and canned vegetables for a year. I am bred for discomfort and sacrifice. I am used to a man in the lead whose understandable priority is the boat and safe passage, not the emotions of the beings on it.

I am also, thankfully, bred to witness the infinite sky, the 2000-leagues deep sea, endless cerulean, the expansiveness of a natural world that is entirely, recklessly unlimited. To see dolphins play and jump beside me for miles. To feel their joy and relationship. To catch flying silverfish after the morning dew, to look for the red star, to hunt for Orion's steady belt. To question beyond the borders of the home you're in, simply because it is too small to hold everyone, and you must go beyond it.

But what happens when we create a personality based on a war instead of calm daily life? When we define ourselves as our experience? Well, then we are misperceiving ourselves in relationship to reality. We cannot see ourselves clearly. If that happens, we cannot create based on our true values, instincts, abilities and innate self. We will create in response to the wrong things, instead of the right ones. 

Awakening is an inside job, one that requires a great deal of patience, stamina, uncertainty, absolute willingness to surrender, to navigate the new concepts, and not attaching to the things you see as being you, can be trying to the best-settled mind. During an awakening, your mind is taxed. It is an exhaustion, redefining reality, dealing with physical symptoms, often uncomfortable ones. New realizations require energy and integration. It will also be mindboggling, awe-inspiring, and transcendent. 

We have an unstated goal I believe, in our society: to taint the best thinkers and visionaries with their ability to see beyond the ordinary, as if they may somehow infect us. Oddity, insanity, brings up fear. We do not want to lose control of a world that has safely constructed edges, to delve open the ones that are less shining. They, having seen things uncommon, are identified as uncommon, and if catapulted too far away from average. from comfortable constructs, spoiled. This last until they are visionaries who offer benefit and value, that is. Or have lots of money or recognition, attributes we crave, so that we can embrace them for their glowing assets while swallowing the new concepts they carry like a pill, giving them credence for their accomplishments and therefore opening to the world view that got them there.

The middle zone is painful. In the growth, without the reward. 


Naturally, there are so many that hide their abilities, fearful of the initial outrage at a regular mainstream. And of course those normal will call you weird. Why should they support the eradication of their world?  It takes courage to be different, difficult and out-of-the-ordinary. 


Revolutionaries are devalued in the midst of society until they are required, called into being as legends. Elon musk. Al Bundy. :-) All things equal, we are that which we see, and the revolutionary exists within each of us. We must realize that revolutionaries are also the harbingers of destruction. The precursor to battle. Their presence makes us uncomfortable. Naturally, we do not want them close. 

It isn't normal, but it isn't new. 


Does the human mind have the ability to see beyond itself, into alternate dimensions? Maybe. Is it real? It has been discussed, spoken, written and dreamed of for eons by philosophers, artists and thinkers, the creators, and the great minds of each generation.

We long for it, these alternate understandings. A sacred, felt, connection to spirit. Then sometimes we're just IN them. The seer in us wants to see, the part of us that has learned before wants to reclaim those understandings, to build on that stacked knowledge, expand their radial of confirmation and existence. I wanted to know, so I sold my belongings and went on a journey.


What was truth? An awakening is led by intuition. Gut instincts. A plane ticket to Thailand. A deep inner call to discover a new form of reality. It's easy to grab to the convenient meaning in front of us. But that's usually built on an old story, or one newly gathered to make sense of things. Thus, those who see it and speak of it are often tainted with their witnessing and a lack of clarity as they try to capture the incomprehensible and indescribable. They are made wrong for looking or their inability to tell a good, scripted, solid story that relates to the previous one in the series. It's easy to make fun of those dancing in alternate worlds unless they look the part. 

Sharing discoveries in an often incomprehensible, sometimes childishly innocent, often revelatory, story-laden way which wars against other, pre-existing stories is common. It's often self-gratifying. What we want we must question, as we're liable to have a filter on. 


This, unfortunately, calls into question the thing we're seeing and wisdom is easily dismissed as crackpot; sometimes, rightfully. Meaning is not truth.

Our myopia of focus and need to make meaning extends to our spiritual realities. Glimpses of truth are dismissed as lunacy, simply due to the lunatic sharing it or the story of the person describing it. But a blush rose described as a funny-wishy-washy-waving pale pink lucent thing that may have been the goddess-lumerian, covered in gilt, is still there, the rose, even if the description is looming towards ridiculous. An inability to describe something does not remove that thing, or its heritage, or magic, internal greatness origin point. We simply can stand stunned in our witnessing of it. And do our best to describe it. To create some shared framework around it.

So we are mind against mind. Reality against reality. They bash heads, and one falls. But in that battle, we aren't seeing truth. We are misfocused. We aren't seeing truth. We're discussing process and understanding and beliefs and whether one is more right than the other. Popular culture or existing beliefs usually win, with the occasional new breakthrough. But awareness keeps unfolding. We are in the magic, but don't thankfully, know yet how to describe it.

Why thankfully? Well, because then you must discover your own extraordinary way to experience it. You must seek for your own truth. Encapsulated realities rarely encompass all truth. So the population keeps on waking up, keeps seeking, despite our best efforts to keep everyone drunk and complacent and comfortable and sleeping. We keep finding and discovering new undertakings that lead us out of complacency and into self-reflection. Taking on new roles and careers that require new growth, new seeking, new spiritual awakenings. 


An inability to describe clearly the things one is seeing does not mean that things do not exist. The head may just be a doorway, an experiencer of reality. The throat a gateway to energies shifting through time.  The mind is a collection and perceiver and processor of data. I do not know these things - but I am open to their discovery. Our perception of ourselves is a fluid, created experience, which often solidifies as we get older. So will our perception of reality. Brains like simple. 

So clearly as I can perceive it, reality is (and I'm free-flowing here, both experiential, past created, future-directed (but both are occurring simultaneously), us and others all colliding, minds as avenues towards alternate experiences as informed before a collective mindmap, then a singular one, future-time dissolving, colliding then rebuilding, multiple dimensions, multiple selves, multiple realities, (and you can name the paradigm, it is witnessable and visible) the natural elements creating form, then those changing into something new, then us perceiving shapes and beings and the occasional dark thing, then light ... as you can see, if you were to truly see it all, you would go entirely mad. I almost did. I certainly was most miserable, until I began to ground into acceptance and then simpler perspectives. Then daily living as a route to happiness.

But the only way to get there is to crack through our realities, to eradicate our dearly held ideals, including the theories that we are building, constantly as ourselves and our world. So we hold lightly to the delusions, and the illusions, but do not separate entirely from them, ever. Can not. As I perceive something, it suddenly becomes. The observer is the creator. 

A breakdown is a time to build theories. That means it is also the vast opportunity for a collective awakening. And an individual one. 

I saw many things, no witnessed and experienced, and the thought that they were divine held; so too did the theory I must be mad. But each one, broken down, analyzed, is not so uncommon. One has roots in philosophy, in science, in religion, in quantum mechanics, in universal guidance, in seances, in discussed philosophy. The witness is not crazy for seeing, or being the observer. These are normal, and abnormal things, with a complex route to getting a real depth of understanding of them. New eyes, wisdom, total fucking craziness, has the opportunity to see reality totally new, with as the is lack of construct keeping the viewing contained.

We see and know these things through the channel of our body, the weathervane of our mind, the antenna of our inner eyes. And most are doing it. It is a skill, developed then nurtured, like any other. 

A sane person seeing or experiencing things that appear crazy is not suddenly made insane, otherwise moviegoers the world over could be categorized as crazy. In that same light, when a vision is being witnessed inside a mind, you are not suddenly insane. 

Doth I protect too much that this is all 'normal? Yes.

I have an attachment to sanity. I don't want to be crazy, so find, or attempt to find, sensible, rational meanings for the things I see and experience; both within myself and others while giving myself room for the lunacy required to allow real truth to emerge. Even as I am floating off into the stars. 
Ultimately, without ascribing meaning to it (crazy, not crazy, right, wrong, real, unreal), we are just within the experience of the thing we are seeing, feeling and experiencing. That's all. We are not somehow tainted simply for the watching of things. It just is. And we do our best to describe it. And it is, based on this one watcher's awakening, as time deconstructed and reality made itself known, truly unbelievable. In the vast sense of the word. We can't believe it. Because it is too much to comprehend. It pre-encompasses belief.



Seer; welcome. You are entering an alternate reality, in which you are not the thing you thought you were. 

Do not try to name it.

I held it because I wanted to share. To know. My brain wants to forget. It wants to heal, to lose the experience to the softened, easier memory of a greying out. To have the faces and trauma fade. Some of what I saw mimicked old experience that I had dumped into the vast well of forgetfulness, never to be owned, helped into accountability or the right of responsibility for others, and these showed up. As I sat there designing labels on that sunken-in grey couch, so did the collective reality.


This familiarity and connection to common cultural stories does lead into this question; are we discovering our own mind map, or actual truth? I constantly question whether it is a story in my mind evolving into a new convenient thing, It is the surprises I like most. The ones with no basis in anything I knew before, because that means that I'm onto things. Discovering. Truly seeing. Thi s is paramount; to question. I am also curious, and I believe that is a necessary attribute in seeking for any knowledge; I'm an extreme case.  I opened every single Christmas present in the house (tape, kettle, peeling back wrapping paper until I was 18), so this is nothing new. I want to know. 

I am also skeptical, and wary when things just become new truth with no critical analysis or thought behind them. Another illusion? Great. New story? Hmm. And they arrive so easily. Trouble is, we're taught to believe our minds are us. Our thoughts, perceptions, once thunk, must be reality. We like that ownership. So we think it, and someone else does and we believe them, and now it's real. But it isn't. Necessarily. 

The best, and hardest guidance in a severe awakening (not just a new enlightenment or theory) is just to observe; not to attach meaning. Embrace ambiguity. For quick  reframes and bold reclamations of new reality and next-level understandings. Give yourself space for reforming truths.


"Do not believe anything" I was told last year by a master, as new gifts and sights opened and an unasked for shaktipot was transferred. He a mentor, I an unwilling, heel-dragging protegee.

What you believe informs reality, so just imagine the paradox. Be it, with it, feel it, earn it, breathe it, but don't take anything as 'real'. A duck is not a duck, it is maybe water now. If you believe nothing, nothing is real. Take that to the depths, that spiral reality, as will naturally happen when you've been dancing on that a stomping ground for a while (what is truth, what is real), and the truth reveals that there is no actual truth; at least the truth you've been perceiving. Ground? Unreal. Mind? Unreal. Them? Unreal. The depth you can take that theory to is... well, insane. 

The other recommendation? Pray like hell. And heaven. And grasp, at an ant and a mountain, and pray for safe recognition between the two. 


The cognitive dissonance is severe when the illumination is the brightest. A significant awakening will always bring mental deconstruction. Spaced out mind? Theories are shifting. Or you need to fix your blood sugar. We weave in and out of reality, from the normal to the divine.

Mental freedom is a complex thing. What are the gradients of reality? Imagine the power of our flexible minds to be able to perceive things of Satan and God. Or worlds beyond.

We are maps. Starbursts. Clusters. Routes. Written texts. Traversed pathways. Now. We are programmed to believe and perceive in a reality seen on the outside, and then to agree collectively before programming our shared agreement internally. Truth is not conditioned. It is. Truth takes clarity, effort, willingness to think separately and away from the minds of others. So it is simple, but never ceases moving. 

You actually — I write this on the other side of a cataclysmic awakening experience, in which I met the cruelty of man and beast, and the kindness of few — need to learn to think differently, after things settle. Or at least I did. Am still. Time, order, process is harder. Things feel less solid, more flowing. Less graspy, and constructed, more allowing and trusting. I think, and I can physically feel things. It is, at times, like working with an entirely new brain, one that I am sharing. Initially, I wanted my old one back. I am a grumpy awakener. 

Now, bootstraps up and suspenders yanked, I've decided to stop moaning and start exploring. Gently. I am, happily, to see beyond the old pain, demystifying, and into new thoughtful waters. Also, along with other abilities, which I suspect are latent human talents that are opening with new circuitry and old wounds peeled back which held limits, (which were packaged in with all the presuppositions and childhood wounds and my memories and perceived collected realty), I can now smell pee from four rooms away. Or step into the room of another, or into their mind and body. I am that which I am. Our brains are extraordinary things. Awakening evolves. Humans are extraordinary creatures. We meet ourselves in the matrix. Then transcend it. I am still developing my understandings. I also believe that I am simple and new, and there are capabilities among us that are truly fostered and held to greatness. I got frequency. I am also a baby, beginning.

The mind as it was, is not the mind as it is.

A conditioned, shallow-mind unexplored is a still, familiar place, easy to navigate. For all of us. It isn't complicated. but it is painful. Emotionally uncomfortable. Wildly chaotic, but predictable. Those running familiar thoughts aren't complex to navigate. When depth, and curiosity drives its way into new insights, it is destabilizing. Who are you now? It is also freeing, with theories and lightness and a new sense of possibility replacing emotional angst. Less emotional pain, but more uncertainty. 


As you awaken, you become a threat; to the comfort of a well-established path. That brings up pain baby! Ours and others. Exposing old agonies and those circulating energies. If we are truly looking at a foundation of truth, everything is called into question; our relationships to others, our works, our families, our connections, our future, our mind's perception of reality. And we also want something to hold too. Familiars. Loved. I do too. I want that. But in truth.

Many will run from the threat of the sandcastle falling, washed away for waves to emerge as normal again. You become the antidote to comfort; the harbringer of a future built on elusive concepts. You are a disease to the safety that has us leaning back in our rocking chairs talking of the old familiar times.

As everything becomes unreal, your collection of thoughts illuminate themselves; jarring, juxtaposing, replenishing, ageless, then wanting to be thrown away, then evolving, thrusting into new beliefs. For me... these actually had weight - like I was air, and these solid things could be felt, thought-forms. Unpacked, seen, zoomed in on, they held energy, emotions, pictures. Emotions are extreme, heightened.

The internal management required is massive. The control required significant. Navigating real-life becomes costly, difficult. Relating harder. You are entirely inward-focused, a computer data-bank spiralling and overheating. Also, a personality-map is totally changing; for example, I typically feel the slightest hurt in others, empathetic to their pain, but saw a shift towards total neutrality for a time: I believe this was a necessary equalizing all emotions, and stopped believing the stories behind them. You must get past false empathy, to allow for the clarity you need to see yourself, and others, past the old dynamics and rules. Compassion has now returned, but unlinked to story; it is there for the totality of human existence and grieves for the individual human suffering within it. I soften past constructed, conditioned (should, must)  emotional care into the depths of deep, felt compassion.

One must be felt through story, the other known through heart. 
It's a process. A painful one in moments, a transcendent one in others. 

You now have a brain exploding into theories and galaxies and new ways of perceiving a multidimensional map of reality. Within all that scope, there will be whinging about your childhood pain too. Felt feelings. It is like the plugged-in tubes of neural pathways are being sluiced with the energy of spirit. The sludge that pours out is extreme. Visions, mud, silt, dark energies, past recollections, past times. Very real breakthroughs. Redefined stories. The real-world structure meets the God, and the two war it out within, one defining an old you, the new one forming you into becoming the thing you always thought you might be, but were unable to inhabit wisely and with ease. 

Is it any wonder that real-life becomes difficult? That management of emotions and quieting the intense suffering and chatter of an evolving, growing personality become s directive when you have other obligations? I am egoic enough not to want to get drunk to solve an awakening experience, mostly because I saw my ex-husband do that. I have seen others do that too. Brilliant minds, numbing out on scotch to calm the internal demons. Quiet the running mind with happy hour. I got the vodka out of my system at 21, and did not like the way my body felt. But this is not a stance on value; I tried it, one night, and my brain softened. Gin. Happily, I am a terrible drunk and fell over after four drinks after drawing impossible jewelry designs, but it was healing. I mean that; the alcohol had an effect of gathering up shreds of loose thoughts into something more firm, solid, a bit sluggish, but whole, after all the intangible universal expansion. So I get it. 


Management of thoughts, self-respect, cleanliness, courtesy, all that takes a second seat to discovery and management of this experience. 

That does not devalue the human; it indicates distress.

Be gentle now. 

The beliefs, theories and identities - who you are - is deconstructing itself. Real-world momentum will often grind to a halt; there is simply too much happening internally. You are a shattering plane that was in the sky, which turns out to be a paper one which turns out to be a tree which turns out to be the dust, too much that is enough, that is too ...  what is happening ... too much that is enough...the mind screams "stop, slow down, find the things that are real." But there are none.

It took me five months to do labels. Five months. I can get through them in a day. I could not focus. The theories, exploding themselves into ruin, heralding in a brand new reality. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I needed help, but I did not tell anyone who was able to hear.

The rabbit hole is open. Underneath that, the things you dreamed of. Then, the things you ran from. Then, the things you are not. Then ... well, no one really knows.

You are who you are.

Ultimately, our self-identity is a long-lost illusion within the theory of ourselves.

Meaning it is nothing real. More circuitry. Beliefs, and bobs. We're talking heads.

When we release our serious attachment to our self-identity, trying to make sense of things, then trying to be anything, we are in freedom. Truth, even. Into that space, new understandings can arrive, heralded with wings, and trumpets, and golden minds, and guidance and care. Mental constructs that are able, plenty, expansive. When hate leaves, acceptance flows. Gentle space for things new to be held. New theories of life, built on new, solid, flexible foundations and into scoping mountains. Possibly. I project. These are theories only. 

Your body, your mind. 

The healthiest mind is the examined one. Why? There is no suppression. No wild beasts caged, ready to pounce. The most seemingly healthy people I've met are internally seething cesspools of unmet dissatisfactions, jealousy factories of pettiness and grievances, and rage and relentless dissatisfactions and desires to matter that that translates onto others, while optically, things look calm and perfect. A good facade does not equal healthy. How do I know? Because minds are illusions, and it is easy to see through them. So the work of self-realization is truly the love of the ages, working through the chaotic mind to uncover and destroy the theory that any hatred within is anything but a cost to the all. 

The physical process is chaotic. Some are not able to handle the load on the brain circuitry. Before this occurred I was primed; I daily drank green juice and do not understand the desire of altered states of reality from drugs, so I was clean internally beyond the occasional wine or night out. Your body is never separate from an awakening. And the mental load is significant. Neurons are requiring. The physical experience is significant. You are the Godself, destroying itself to lay waste to universes beyond. You also ate roast beef and drank, and that's left you sluggish. Dense. Energetically bereft. With a mind that needs to move.

There are fallen soldiers, geniuses, potential masters laid to waste, awakened into straight-jackets. When I lived in Ottawa, I stood beside one at a Starbucks and tried to send him Reiki (this was before I'd turned into the spiritual prophet-stage or knew much about energy, only that I could feel something and wanted to help) and without any visible shift indication on my part, he turned to me the second I started, hollering 'witch, witch'. I blushed and ordered my latte, pretending not to see him. I do not claim 'witch' - if only because pigeonholing is a trap. 

He was in mental ruins, but clear, feeling new energies shifting around him. The hidden prophets are everywhere. Diving into dumpsters. Speaking in garbled voices, tongues turned to ruin, thoughts of brilliance laid waste by the numbing capabilities of drugs or alcohol (it is not an absolute that this would be an issue, each mind is different) or mental garbage that held them back from pure recognition of the divine. It makes me so sad. And I was close. I felt myelf falling, laid by the side of the road, drowning in mud and whisps of mental garbage and meanings.

We all have our Achilles heels. For me, it was kindness, fostered into self-ruin. Good intentions, leading the route to disaster. I drank coffee as a solace, made things worse (interjection: I think unconsciously at times we're trying to keep resonance matched to the awakening we're in, so bad choices may actually be an attempt to unconsciously maintain a state for resolution - when you heal those bad choices float themselves away, so they are a result of an unhealed state, not always direct causation or the main issue) spun out, wrote nonsensical whisps, could not think straight, lost my memories, and one by one my theories of whom I thought I was. Each element that made me 'me'. And my brain ... evolved. But the sheer stamina it required felt endless. Like being in the fucking awakening army. I felt energies being pushed through me. Learned them. Bootcamp for mind-growth. Unrelenting. I thought I would die. I wanted to a few times. I prayed. I finally gave up, and God finally came into the room. And saved me. That, I believe. 

A messy, detrimental awakening is not a societally supported experience. We do not always see it as such. Weird, or 'spiritual;' accepted when beneficial, celebrated when you're reading things like past lives or guessing at future possibilities, teaching about sacred connections, putting good energy out, or expanding the scope of business connections, is turned away from the moment it crosses a line of comfort. When it risks our safe sanity. These are intangible rule lines, safe zones, culturally and community-driven. It is understandable. The theory that we are safe within our sanity must break when the chaos or truth threatens, and as the edges of all of who we are are fully explored, we meet our makers, and they are violent, and as much in opposition to us as they are in our favor. But we must, if we are to truly open to self-discovery that relies less on story but entirely on freedom.

I fought that. Maybe all egos do. I did not want the breakdown of the life and brand I was building. But it happened. And that is a messy process. Mind does not want to be destroyed. No wonder we turn from those in the depths of breaking down. No wonder it is path most will tred lightly on. 


Can you climb out of the rabbit hole? Partially. I claimed backing away, to get to safe ground. "Two years of normal," I called for, as my mind-constructs went to silence, inner words floating away to stillness. "I want me back". My illusionary self, build on experience and creation and energy of myself and others. I wanted safe haven. The port, after the unfathomable wildness of the storm. 

So I built, and tried to get my brain back. I found comfort in mundane, everyday things, the inconsequential. Baking. Painting cabinets. Recipes. The things I sneered at as boring, mundane, suddenly became a lifeline. Things I had taken for granted. my ability to close a conversational loop, the theories I so took for granted, took time. Each reclaiming was a small, secret win.

My brain needed healing. Was it from the concussion? Burnout? A series of strokea, as the symptoms implied? Or was it the depths of an awakening so profound that it fired all my brain into a thousand new circuits? I do not know. I know mostly that help was there, but inside. Those few that hurt me did not ned or know me, so that I forgive. I have done the same, I am sure, in other was to others. I know I was out of control, but allowing. That needed time to heal, but that was not available, and so I worked throughout, as my brain and constructs shattered. I learned more things than I thought were real. It was, and will be, I hope, the most difficult year of my entire existence. And I sat scared. But it is still there. 

Truth does not leave, it only settles down for a quiet wait, waiting to be beckoned. Rabbit sits in the corner, covering its hole, cowering beside it, some days charming you over, pointing to the emptiness within, lit only by glimpses of stars. "Come this way", it whispers.

I was bullied by a girl-gang of gossiping gurus when I got back to Bali. The GG's. I was empty, so the influence of others was extreme. It was a strange time. I was constructing myself. This would be called mirroring; the truth is, it was everything at me, nothing for me. I gave over to the wishes of others, whether that was positive, a perception of me, or of greed or need. If they wanted me mean, I gave that. If they wanted me whole, I was that. In my emptiness, I may have been exposing an underlying pattern of pleasing most carry. I'd been doing it all my life; this was intensified seeing of an old pattern, like many that would come to pass, at the heart of another leaf, another construct breaking itself. But I have literally never been so vulnerable. ​


This leaves me incredibly protective of others who might be going through this experience. It may have just been mine, this emptiness, this responsible accommodation of the needs and expectations of others, a lotus petal of 'give all that you are' illuminated. If your brain is empty, open, curious and accepting by nature, it can easily be filled by the desires of others. But if that is everyone, I shudder at the vulnerability - and the usuary. I had a background; in business, personal development, tangentially context for law, history product development, art, context, rationality, still a voice. Many do not. 

I was a cloud inside. Intangible. There was a man, I think who protected me, energetically, (that is a real thing) having walked through it himself and seeing what was afoot, and I saw him everywhere, but this I do not know for sure. I may have just been imagining it for safety, to not feel so entirely alone. One becomes skeptical of anything, even the things most known. 

As days passed, I watched the fluid shreds of my personality flow around that of others and saw myself reflected as them. I also began to see myself again, like reclaiming little 'me's', one by one, recognizing myself in thoughts again, gathering up little lightbodies that had sent themselves to worlds away. These nuances of our personality are important; they are the dignities that make us who we are. They are our little houses, our inner cities. Our mostly real worlds. Us.

To form again.

I have worked hard to establish new rules for life, in the midst of this moving reality. I became smaller, closer to ground. Because one must. Baking. Painting cabinets. Routine. Safe measures. Oddly, I am rounding out into the women I'd imagined, but never quite gotten around to becoming. I am also dropping weight; the coping I'd been doing through eating seems irrelevant now, so my appetite has shifted substantially. 

Awakening experiences are beautiful. From the perspective of truth alone. To a life, it is destructive. Ripping. All must come up to be recognized. Last year, for me, it was all the judgmental, hidden, suppressed parts of my personality; so that I did and said and was the most awkward things, aspects of myself I had never let free outbursting forth, the things I hated in others pouring forth from my unwilling lips and thoughtless mind. To my horror. All the suppressed aspects of my personality exploded onto the scene of my life, and I lay wasted in them, cringing, but needing to allow. It was extraordinary. Guided. Gratefully left. 

The opposition of yourself thanks you.
The weirdness of yourself needs you.
You claim it, so that others will too. 

You avoided that part, thinking you were not it; there you are too. All things. 


My subtle judgments and quiet, soft dismay of others was founded in opinion in perspectives. Releasing this took effort. Observing, past mind as mind creates. It has, however, left me with the deepest sense of compassion I have ever known. I am nothing if not myself, nothing if not the things I see in others. Everything I hated and judged was within me too. That is a font of appreciation and love.

Now: Delving into the personality,
and a misdirected perception of it.

Self-realization is the pathway to truth. If you're misdirected towards thinking you are something, based on trauma, avoidance or an outsized response, that chestnut tree may have taken root in an actual oak forest. You will be focused, but erroneously guided towards looking towards the wrong thing. You will also see things that you do not need to witness when awakening; our experience of the worlds directly reflects our inner map. Resonance. You will only see what you are in a relationship too. What's hanging in your neighborhood. Well, that's simplified; but you can and are able to shift your awareness and focus through healing. It is intentional blindness through healing. 


Awakening IS you


If you're walking the path, you'll get this: it isn't something you want to do; it is something you need to. It is already your way. And truthful seeing is the very next step. There is a vast difference between someone chasing a spiritual pathway as a nexus for meaning (GG's) and using emotional upsets as fuel, calling the growth, and the hallmarks of a true awakening, which often looks and is rather insane.

I support all personal growth, but they are not the same thing. One is stacked memorization, the other beyond the worlds, into the abyss, the expensive revelations that are required to inform the understandings, depth of genius and true discovery, allowing that person to become the theorist, the sage, the teacher, the prophet worthy of note. (I am thinking of someone else as I write this, and the GG's, not of myself). 

I have currently paused my teacher train to share only, as truthfully as I can, to create beautiful things, to worship, and to come to safe constants as I reboot and form. I was building based on character, thinking I needed to. Frankly, at least in this small nexus, I also feel too vulnerable; it's not worth the judgment, or the gossip, when the original intention was so positive. So I'm sharing more but care not nearly as much.

I suppose that was my real fear 'what they thought'. A major rollercoaster. 


Today, I am finding myself in small epiphanies. I write, to free. As I discover these layers of myself, they shudder away, held, then released. Honesty has cost. Hurt. But these little fault lines crumble around a nexus of heart.

Today's discovery: I am not actually scared. Not much anyhow. Anxiety was a healthy reaction. Quite the contrary; I am wise to be fearful when things are in dangerous times, internal or outer, peaceful and brave otherwise. I do not, however, like the feeling of fear, seeing it as a weakness; thus I note it, mote may it be, and wrongly thought it me.

It is but a ride on a roller coaster. Scary, but mostly safe. Thought important, due to the emotional feeling; but pretty mundane, really. Tracks and a car. Due to the fair rules, accessible only rarely. We must also be a certain height to ride, so the fact that you're on it at all — is often a sign you're stretching. I write this to self-congratulate myself at my newfound bravery and chutzpah. :-) 

Self-realization often requires brutality: swordplay against the theories we have of ourselves. Breakdowns of comparison. Convictions shattered. Christ complexes read into then released as seeds of our own innate greatness, goodness and selflessness. Best, and worst, empty theories only. Failures and supremacy seen as rules of insecurity or a need to matter. Heights of fantasy, megalomania, a glorification of self-worth or a childhood pain that wants healing. The depths of sorrow that you can not let go? A worldview that everything should go the way you want, and nothing should interfere with that, importance sourced through grief and maybe a desire to be within the center of your own particular universe. Explore. Brutal. Sword cuts. Stabbing wounds, excising profit centers of aspiration, goals, false creations to expose the raw, terrified, humbled human within.  

I cry, on the floor, and I am wanting. I need, in the meadows, and ommhing makes me feel safe, and valued, and within a world of care. I leave, to feel powerful, in control. I explore, to meet the needs of my father, when I want instead a safe haven. All this must be embraced. The questions valued. This is who you are. Your particulars. Each its own universe. A magical, worthy world.

That is to be truly valuable: To be faced, head-on, thrust into, heart-led, and then loved into oblivion, fought against if you must, or freed if you will. Opened to anything, then collected, chosen, recreated into something tiny, truthful and entirely you. Mountains start from geographical collapse, plates shifting, seismic interruption, stones buttressing then building into the sky. The trees rise, earth settles, birds overhead, to welcome you home. 

To be me, to be you, in this moment. Breathe. That is enough. Isn't that odd?


All the scope, is this moment. All the want is better found here, in a heartbeat, in a death wish overcome for life to move again, for that little green seed to burst into a blade. Just to be you, in truth. That will also contain the mystical, the magical, the whole-seeing, the miraculous, the theory being of course, that you are entirely you — thus everything. And so it is. 

That, future, allows freedom from constructs, from attachments to desires and the creation of a false structure of reality, the risk chasing a new unreal identity within a narrow box and illusion. Another fake you, or finally, you stand. Ruthlessly you. All is.

The kindness of any emotional response is that we have a window into deeper levels of inquiry. A trigger is a sliver. Wood, to be pulled and healed. Yanking it gives healing. So in extraordinary circumstances, or reacting to a false (mind, old reality) or real (outer world) experience, we have the opportunity to examine the deeper layers of ourselves, and come to clarity and conscious awareness of our created experience, rather than just running on automatic. We become our own witness to our selves and a created universe within our own minds; father, mother, brother, ancestral, old patterns, and experiences. Once let go of, these cease to be influences, conscious or unconscious, and are a muted undertone to a current now-personality, informing itself in the moment.

I claim no special privilege. A spiritual awakening like anything else, is time-honored, thus mapped, thus experienced as new only through the eyes that are within it. The beauty is that we get to do it again and again, and that is an allowing of the magnitude of this creation we are in. Until truth stands fully, we will not align with the theory of everything that moves through each of us. Not see ourselves ever, as beyond the limited human. For all my worthy complaining, it is truly a miraculous gift. Pain suppression, energy, insights, trust, allowance, surging energy through an updated system, mapped into an alternate world. 

As each lotus grows, it needs new water. It will grow, then the leaves start falling back, unfurling truth. The mud is escaped, then refound again as the lotus sinks back in, and then refinds itself in new form. If you are wakened, you are conscious of this eternal process. You do not see it - you are it. There is a vast difference. The seeing of the flower tells you the things you see it as. The being the flower rips your identity to shred, so you are the velvet, the stamen, the seeds, the pod, the liquid metal dewdrop. That is the finding of the new self. All things. This meeting the lotus evolves requires a commitment to deeper levels of truth, and often messier eradications of falsehoods.

The unmet parts will when newly resolved, feel 'fixed'. But, a new petal inevitably pops. "Me, me"! it cries, tend to me. So I think this is all-natural. I have been doing the work, waking the work, dedicated to the work. The outside petals are bright; real-wold discomforts. Your experience at work, your need for boundaries. You can always spot the progress. When the feel healed after a workshop or two, new constructs at the ready, they are only beginning. That is perfect. C
loser to the center, our realities and truths are dank, hidden, covered in the flue and findings of suppressed reason, anger unbidden and hells unmet. Messy. Unbidden. Your potential is there too, your life force at the seed of the flower. Rapture awaits in the ruins of the old kingdom, walls tumbled, crumbled, gone.

So a petal popped, and it was the edge of the world, and all my old recognitions where shattered into ruin. But it actually became quite simple. I see it now. The truth. Revelatory, really. It was always there, the recognition, the freedom, the faith, and the finding. All that. Which is this: Nothing at all. It is not my witnessing of it that makes up truth and reality; it is. No need even to understand. I can look, or turn away. Be, or not be. Grow, or now grow. Just self, one after the other, endless universes, perpetually being born, one unto the other, after another. No right no wrong. Chase if you will, lay fallow if you want. So I get to be. So do you. That's all. 


Now you.

You believe you are a certain way. Are you? What you believe to be the predominant characteristics of your personality may not actually be who you are. What perception of yourself might be false, based on your highlighting it due to it being something you are uncomfortable with? 

New inquiries which expose personality conflicts can be unsettling to explore when you do this in depth. Your goal is truth, over the fiction of a memorized reality or a safe, sane society that is eating its own tail. This will also evolve you into something deeply connected with your lotus roots, discovering who you truly are, and then beyond that, into alignment with alternate realities, often extraordinary ones.

When cracking theories, make sure you take time to integrate. Only do that which is right for you. Leave time for process. For rest. For healing of your newly evolving brain and body. I'm writing when I had planned to sit for an hour thinking and goal-setting for the day ahead, so to be in integrity, I am onto that now. :) 


I shall cringe when I edit I know. Read well, and gently. Sharing above hoarding. :-)



IconographIC: Baji Day

June 13, 2020


13 June 2020


I am writing up to the minute. Sadly, this means corrections come at a later date. Editors, do not judge but admire the sheer bravery of unrefined prose. 

Welcome, all. 

If it lands, take it. (but credit me). I am particularly liking the 'knights of havoc' phrase.  Discard if not relevant. I am not offended and exploring. If it matters, I'm glad that it helped, held or met things of note. If it stings, I'm sorry. (That said, within that trigger lies your healing, so do your work) and do not project your hurt.

Awakening. All theories and concepts can be broken and should be. 

6:50 am

The miracle of the sun just broke through my window, lighting up the darkened leaves it kissed through. All things illusionary, the sun itself must hold meaning other than form, weightless, airstruck, beholden to the notions of man that hold its searing brow to the sky.
I held the warmth internally, earlier today. Nothing touches sun warmth. It is only felt. 

The caveman worshiped it, I suspect, not having any other God. Worship seems easy. We don't think of the sun having sound, but it does. According to Nasa Scientists, it's a low, pulsing hum."Our stars heartbeat". An ohmmming, the original primal sound, the seed of all that is life. Our mothers heartbeat is the sun. And God.

I suspect that the Sun King, Louis XIV, wanted time to kneel before it, but audiences made him the Sun, so that he could only see himself in it once risen, thus it could not be admired any longer, as he knew himself so close. When he finally accepted that he was both, there was oneness. Him. not him, illusionary concepts when one holds the heart within the sun. Most awakened, most asleep.

And the sun keeps burning on. Peeping through windows, rescuing the night. 

There's a particular energy at daybreak that
is really quite magical. I am eating it up. 

And I, off to rest. x

6:30 am

24 draft pages later, and with almost all the B.Grace
special offers, SPIFFS, (sales associate incentives) 

and causes for the year mapped out. 

Phew. Exhausted. Full. Satiated with action.
Sleeping in the day is 
odd, but the night is
velvety, secret, (usually, see below) and is linking  

me happily to the US, where my distribution center is. 
Moving through launch. 

12:54 am

12:54 am

I just heard a sound like a shot ring out.
It's 4:48 am. That's late here, and early to be hearing noises like that. I am a scared bird, a sleepless little chickadee.

Chickens, roosters and no sound beyond that other than my heartbeat. I called out, then flicked the lights, then imagined the worst, then calmed. I have the woods beside me, and neighbours are away. Sounds make meaning.

4:17 am

12:54 am

12:20 pm UTC +8 

The hunted.

I, holding a bowl of seaweed and salad.


They, stalking me like I am an antelope

and they the tigers, all 3 and 9 lbs of them.
Three. Always three. I need space today,
and they do not seem to understand
the novelty of that. 


Stat. Kitchen. Crockpot (or pot). I currently have no stove; I'm in construction on my home, so I am utilitarian. Simplicity is freedom.  

Start with:

3 cups rice + pure water

4 bananas

  • Cook until rice is well done (soft). This is desert, so pray for sweet natures and healthy healing as you make it. 

  • Drain the rice when done, keeping the water.

Neat little side project. Do not waste the water. Add half a cup of cooked rice back to the water, blend with a hand-mixture, add vanilla, Himalayan sea salt and a bit of honey or brown sugar and cinnamon. Blend and refrigerate, and you have rice milk for later. Adjust spices to your taste and add more rice if you like the consistency thicker. 


Back to the balanced creation of the Banana-rice. (There will be a better name).

  • Mash or stir the bananas and rice together
    to a consistency you like

  • Add 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

  • Add a pinch of Himalayan sea salt (to your taste. All sweet must have salt.

  • Quarter teaspoon cinnamon

  • Four peanut butter teaspoons dolloped on top

  • 1/8 cup dark chocolate (half bar, break into small pieces)

  • Sprinkle with Himalayan salt

  • Add cacao nibs if you have them

  • Pour liberally with thick coconut milk

  • Gently swirl the coconut milk with the rice mixture (maintain the coconut)

  • Drizzle with honey or agave syrup*. Swirl again.

  • Top with banana slices

  • Add almond slices, cashew or peanuts if you like 

    Option 1
    *Add-on for sweetness: melt brown sugar and butter in pan until reduced, then pour on top and swirl in. Or, lazy-cooking; buy a snickers bar or Caramilk, cut into pieces and add at the end when mixture is still warm. Stir gently.

    Option 2
    After cooking, let rice cool then add 4 whipped eggs to the mix. Stir well, and add bring back to heat after adding everything else but for a firmer consistency and more of a baked pudding. Play.


  • Gentle measurements. Adjust for your personal preference, and don't be fearful. 

10:05 pm

Is it spiritual advancement to be connected to spirit? I spend most days entirely connected, but not all of spirit is advanced. I think the two are entirely unrelated, other than that any experience will lend itself to understandings, or at least a perception of it. But we are
limited by our perception. 

7:24 pm

We create all these barriers to love, conditions of failure. 

The air does not question whether you are worthy, it meets you.
when you meet the air, and dissolve entirely into it
you are enlightened, as air itself is you,
then this is unconditional acceptance. 


when the air does not meet some any longer,

out of lungs and fallen,
then earth knows itself as you.
it meets you, the earth, then holds,
freeing you of the burden of mind,
that thought that you are some ethereal thing that
is not laid waste as ravages that all came before,
so now time has ceased to touch you,
and you are timeliness, as one,
that means that gifts of weightlessness and
eternal are now yours, and impermanence
now flows through your tired heart, now then
what of fire, that burning hallucinogenic thing,
that lifts you weary, from your bed, then takes
you to ashes, that air met earth met water
met sludge now bog now beginning.
that is the cycle, and then it completes,
and you know of all things. 


7:24 pm

I am coming to terms with the fact that not everyone will judge your (my, ours) story gently. I wish for kinder.

I am also starting to come to terms with the fact that any illusion I had that they should be doing so is my burden. Not theirs. People get to be what they are. 


My ex-husband used to get mad at lineups. At the inconvenience of them. We'd stand there, and within three minutes he was seething, and I would be trying to calm him down as he clenched his teeth. I was compassionate to his stress. That was our dance. I, the healer. I earned my keep that way.

In his world-view, the people were an inconvenience to his comfort. We tried me getting the coffee as he waited in the car, with the result that he turned his anger towards me instead, and I would stand petrified for ten minutes dancing on my heels at Starbucks as I got his double Soy Latte, before heading back to his wrath, which would last twenty minutes or more on the drive to our cottage. He berated, I cried, and as the anger moved, things and I, got quiet again. "Need suppression" is a favorite game of those in power. 

Tough marriage. Good lessons. I was naive. He was controlling. The victim, however, also holds power. The need for care, pain, a sense of internal righteousness, the right to resent, which feels powerful as we hold to our own opinion and voice now.  

Waiting in those lineups, while sucky, did start me thinking about opinion and dominance, and the ruling elite versus those that had little to no rights. He made the rules. I was in complicit agony. I had rights when with him, or when running companies or being in perceived authority through financial abundance or beauty or bigger thoughts or faster thinking.

True equality would dictate that the entire experience within our world would be neutral. Subtly, we choose our way. Overtly we trumpet it. We gossip our grievances. Align ourselves with countries, ideals, flags and consequences.

The flip side of control is freedom. Always, they pair together. Even our decision about what freedom should look like is often 'our way'. Freedom exists for others, so long as I am not uncomfortable, or they aren't bashing heads together, or taking my airplane seat, or eating meat or accepting something else as better than I think, thus defeating my freedom, which I unconsciously believe is of higher value. As I write that, I think that it holds a lot of the energy of hatred; but the intent is love. To be met with freedom, and to hold that for others too.

I wanted to be neutral and allow others their world. But unexamined, this was enabling. I do not write of my ex to be angry, and still hold the shame of the exposure, but it is only that I held all this for years, and my decision to rise to a higher ideal let me be bullied, manipulated, and taken advantage of. Anger won. Acceptance skulked away, hiding. Lately, I don't feel that is fair, and so I want to speak up. I want to claim my experience. 

Any dark experience marks us. It changes our personality. It is also, if we are lucky, a catalyst. Those lineups started me thinking about why one person's opinion should matter more, how we give over to that to get things - safety, approval, opinion. We
 seek those controls even, and fundamentally, we like things going our way. We get so addicted to this that we actively create our own misery.

I gave rights away to be held to a conceptual belief of being somehow more valuable in my kindness. I increased my value emotionally through magnanimous behavior, through need reduction (even sex), seeking his approval, or giving through time when I could not with age, or anger, or career, economic strength or legally. His first-class tickets to my coach. Someone's rights were always winning, based on worth and value and perceived superiority. I lost.

Power gets bigger. That is its role. The right to the 'right opinion or perspective', is a power. There is a vested interest in maintaining it then. 

Not everyone is scrupulous. Or, personally responsible to anything but their needs being met. Spiritual seekers en route to aspirations of better temperments, or those that are poor, or do-gooders rights are constantly violated this way. Their very desire to be 'good and kind', or their inability to stand against stronger rules allows them to be roundly manipulated into poverty and offering without balanced energy. It is expensive to be poor. It is costly to be kind. Yet that is the world we're aiming towards.


Blah. We're not really. Most are just talking a good game while avidly in the 'get'. Sometimes it is overt, other times subtle. Emotional resonance. Subtle giving. Receiving with devotion. Payment for services due. The win of an argument or perspective. These are dominant 'gets'. 

What happened was this: All the things I so easily got - recognition, friendship, acceptance, money, telling secrets and having them held, safety and a home, all got taken by a demon of fear. I walked into it, and then it stuck. So I had all these confidences removed, all the stability that those held, all the self-care and abundance I took so for granted, evaporate. Granted, I participated, in that way we do when we know growth is afoot, and even though it is uncomfortable, we stay the course, to get the increased connection to spiritual ideals and bigger growth than we are prepared for emotionally, but ready for spiritually. 

So I grew. And I fought it. It took me down, and then exposed me to myself. I'm a lot darker than I thought I was. Now, a lot more truthful about that. But I also developed compassion I did not know I had. A war within is fought, and the good and evil meet as counterparts, with the one, left the victor guiding the way. Which is left? The chosen one. 

The trouble is that I had to walk through all my own burdens of justification, blame, togetherness, connection, belief that the world should look and act a certain way, resentment, and self-safety, these gross human emotions pushing out like pressured water, seen, and admitted to, to begin to accept —  truthfully, not just because I wanted to be a good person or felt I should, or because it gave me unconscious superiority to be better than someone — but to truly embrace equality with all living beings, and finally believe that they have the rights to be the person they want to be, even when that negatively impacted me. Even when it made me made, or poor, or unhappy, or terrible. It started with a gossip, then a friendship lost, then deaths, then family members jumping ship. To feel their hate, their dismay, their denigration directed towards me, not just conceptual, then love it anyways. See it, and myself, as all equal to anything else.

That was the beginning of true neutrality, and subsequently, compassion for the plights we all share. 

I, like many, have been bred with a certain amount of western satisfaction. I have been trained into believing my moralistic viewpoint is somehow superior (and we justify this in all sorts of ways), but in seeing eternity, one has to admit defeat around the value of opinion.

I meet this gently. I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't like all of myself, once I uncovered the sanctimonious ease with which I was moving through the world. I don't expect others to either, now that I have lifted some of the coping mechanisms I was holding so firmly too. 

But it has been humbling. Truly so, not just because I was emotionally reducing myself (and calling this humility) but because I can see that others live this all the time and their rights are not valued. Why should mine be?

The grace given some is without merit. Without care. And without expectation, while others live without comfort and see it as normal. But they are quality too. Equal too. How are they not? Why, due to them not meeting our internal standards. Our qualifications for value. Mountains fall hard. I fought the equalization, tooth, nail, and mind. 

I want to matter more. I do not like feeling invisible, unnoticed.
I have grown, substantially, weathered, heart held to compassion and equanimity of the suffering of myself against that of others. Of our sheer equality beyond all our rules for life. 

When I make all of my expectations of others totally neutral, I come to a sincere acceptance of the existence of man as it is, and then, can accept the existence of choice as the predominant characteristic of man. Without predominant opinion or conditional guidance. My directives then become simple; be as I am, be as they are, then the two meet in harmony and compassion. Or a battle, but that is a choice. Neutrality demands all be welcomed. Moods, ideals, feelings, safety and danger. Otherwise, we are conditional still. 

I waded through this much to my dismay. I am summing this up within a few paragraphs, but there was years and years of unpacking towards neutrality, camels of opinions holding weight and water, saved up judgments for the next watering hole. 

I am gifted. And I have been given lots. I have, I believe, responsibility towards that. But do I truly offer? I'm not sure. I was getting without awareness. Lucky as fuck. I did not know I expected to be held to safety or given more. 
I took that for granted. But I had been, most of my life. (granted I worked for this) but I was given more, from opportunity to unity to acceptance to understanding, without recognizing the luxury this was. So when I came equal, I had to ask myself 'why is my opinion or perspective worth more? When I remove all the things that allow my elevation, am I then more? 

Our collective safety is reliant on controls.

Awakening is founded in a theory of freedom. So they must battle each other, as constructs jar against theories, until we are neutral, then applying good practical common sense for our outcomes. I write that as I think of a lawmaker reading this and the fear of anarchy, change, and thus the loss of influence. Anarchy often is built on passion, and emotional push, which typically must have a belief that it is right to push the action against the existing structure, otherwise why act? This dogmatism does not allow for measured growth, and burning flags must burn, no matter the things it crumbles to ruin. The anarchist forgets the value structure brings. The lawmaker (or our internal beliefs) forgets that it is not right simply due to its existence, self-validation and longevity. 


The results of that is that my opinion of the way things should be has released itself (mostly, or at least this week - there will, and should be layers of discovery) and people get to do what they will, even when they're being nasty as fuck. I am now personally responsible for my own safety and experience. 

There is a dark side of acceptance and neutrality; condoning terrible acts. I was so determined to be accepting that I allowed most things to hit my world, and compassionate folks tend towards 'turn the other cheek'; but secretly I thought it wrong, so I could play the victim, be the opiner of a new possible reality or elevate past the wrongdoer or drinker or smoker or childishness. We do this, I think. It gives us credit and gets us things. Lets us revel quietly in our superiority. 

But, neutrality. A neutral perspective is the very foundation of perceiving existence in truth, even with limited eyes. All things are equal before our saying eyes and opinioned hearts get hold of them. Why should my rules win? Or theirs? Hierarchy, dominance, stability wars against openness of mind.  With neutrality, they get their life, I get mine. They get their choice, I get mine. The world will do as it does, and I can shudder and shake or love or foster, but thankfully allow, and then try to make things in my world better.

This does leave you internally driven but externally peaceful. It also removes you from the influence of others, something I've gotten caught up in my whole entire life thus far. Right now I'm looking at the concept of an aligned life. With total neutrality of opinion, what would I choose? With a lack of care for concepts, opinions, earning, what would I choose? It is jarring that I create mental construct of control. 

So first, I get myself to sanctified ground, stay safe, and then witness as the rights of man awake themselves through desire, choice, goals, aspirations, inner freedoms and outer application of decisions all around me. 

The witness awoke through all that mess of opinion. 

Oddly, I feel more driven to own my nonsensical rights and points of view, relative to others, with less desire to subjugate or turn it into anything. I don't want to meet their needs or opinion. Why should I? (I am honest enough to admit that part of that is due to the fact that I finally realized there was no 'get' in it for me). Winning approval is an intangible glory. That is a first. Mostly. I am still working through my disappointments and desires.

This thought is now untangling itself: how does our self-worth impact us in relationship to the freedom of thought, and how I was forming my mind perspective and relative truths? If we believe the opinions and values or others are mightier, we'll tend to adopt those.  

I did not actually believe I was equal, so I created that.  I was an outsider kid, a bookworm, and I learned to fake mattering to get approval, then got some of that, gave that power away, and so needed to believe others opinions held more power (like many - even the way we watch and form ourselves around tv is an example of this). I am questioning those constructs.

Turns out we're all the same. Hair, teeth, need. Cracking through that self-worth story took time. Loving it all, equally, unconditionally, past a story into the felt experience realizes me. To do, I think we must move the shadows,  the desires, the pettiness and the hatreds. Our opinion holds us hostage. 

In facing my own equalization, the knowledge that others have that same innate potential and freedom begins to feel obvious, with the natural extension of accepting it and loving it more.

Core, fundamental premise; we're God. All of us. But that notion requires total mental equalization to hold firmly. Otherwise, I've just got glimpses of that total blending of value into something like heaven, oneness itself. Usually, it's "my God is better than your God". 

I did not have that neutrality. I'm closer now. And, all things being equal, then nothing, then awestruck, with everything, I am that, in all beings. No resistance implies no separation. No dirty, no clean, no win, no lose, it and I are okay. Acceptance offers freedom.

All things being equal I now get to be in choice. I grow, I get, I allow, I lose. I win. Okay. All the same. I take a stand for the things I want. I'm firmly embracing that. With less attachment comes more feelings of "why just not do that thing". Fluid freedom arises. That wish holds a bit of lunacy, so I am watching the edges of that freedom, mindful of results. 



A few jostling thoughts I wanted to share. I'll edit and sum up later; these are first drafts and I am needing concepts to ground to be replaced by new fascinations. I shall never empty out this mind of mine.

Today I am working on product profiles and vendor profiles. And launch! I'll share those a little later today. 


Design, sigh. I love it. 


Iconograph: Baji Day

June 12, 2020

Updates, Unmemorizing &

You're a radial, at the center of it all. If you're not yet on my subscriber's list, sign up for advance notice and special gifts available only here. 

6:36 am

Mood board! This is a guidance system for brand direction for B.Grace,
my new organic skincare line. Without this framework, no color or new idea is safe from my possibility-rich hands. 

This guides and focuses options and choices. I'll share more on the inspirations behind it soon. Until then, I bid you adieu. Thanks for hanging, those who are interested. That would be all of you, otherwise you would not be here I suppose. :-) 


12:20 pm UTC +8 

12:20 pm UTC +8 

I am working on the website and launch for B.Grace Beauty today. It's the second last day before I let it sit for a day to simmer, one final check, then my go-live date. 

I have worshiped. I have adored. I have crept into style and better images. To you who have helped, I am in constant devotion. I have allowed ... guidance, instinct and best practices to form the site. I and others have manufactured, formulated, designed, delivered, branded and packaged. I am grateful.

These last few days before launch development is creeping along like water, fast and flowing, sometimes eddying, pulling me towards completion, sliding, slow and steady other days. Behold (I like the drama of that word) some of the graphics). 

Above and below.


More on the site, coming soon. 

10:30 pm UTC +8 (I'm working nights for a launch right now) 

I want to witch things into life. Creative life inspires me. All that is created can be broken. Godself actively seeks to create. So making is breaking and building is destroying. 

When I make things; business, paintings, ideas, furniture, peace, I feel... capable. I am feeling life inform itself through my fingertips. Energy, life, it is suddenly. Bold, meets softness. Steel, meet heart. Black meets white and they integrate as one whole. Spells meet counterparts. Bad intentions meet loving one. May all things be balanced, harmonious and free. 


And, all things being equal (consciousness and cheese-rice in this case), I just made vegan-cheese rice. I'm hooked on my crockpot recently. Keeping in mind my taste buds are calibrated to health and rice, try this: overcook rice until super gooey in a crockpot or pot, (this was accidental, but I did it with too little water at first, so parts of it had stuck together and other parts were well cooked with the rice packed against the lid, so when I fixed that (by removing part of the rice and adding more water), the rice remained at two different consistencies, which created an interesting texture).

Add corn starch, vinegar, butter, a dash of chicken stock and salt (if you are totally vegan, skip stock or do a vegan stock - I am mostly, but now and then I'm not) a bit of pumpkin (cooked enough so it is shredded and creams easily into the rice) and a raw egg or two (it cooks while you are stirring, so add only at the end after you have removed everything from the heat and placed into a bowl. Leave enough water with the mixture so it is creamy. After that, add ... well, whatever you like or have it as is.

The vinegar does the trick. Next time I'll adjust the water and try a few different ingredients to improve it more, but I was rather amazed at the result. The rice, overcooked, the corn starch, and enough water to maintain the cream, creates a cream much like dairy. 
Unexpectedly wonderful and gooey accident. 

I did not measure, thus you get an imbalanced recipe which you then can perfect. Co-collaboration is sweet. 

9.45 pm

People can love you whole. They can heal your pain. Hold vast emotional wellness, resonances for clearing. Light magics. Access to guides, teachers, healers. They are gateways to extraordinary amounts of inner transformation. 

They can also hold illness. Ways to drain you, thieve energetic lightness away. Activations of separation, greed, desires. Inner hatreds, brought to life — ferociously framed, sticking to inner wounds and hidden in latent pain, so that the recipient avoids their resolution. They have potent poisons, spell-formed and hate-cast. Conscious emittance. Subtle manipulations. 

I have loved love, and light, so this aspect was eye-opening for me. Energetics and awakening becomes, for some, a candy store for greatness and getting. Ego-got. Others hold a firm desire to only develop those gifts that align with the pure intention of their self-created identity and natural talents, those holistically born or latently blooming. Allowance-led.

Not all siddhis, emotional or energetic abilities are founded within the light; some develop themselves in anger, need, pent-up desires for freedom or importance, 'manifestations', or a desire for achievement based in a fear the holder is actually not what they are after — so they goal-orient. They look outside instead of developing internally. This approach is limiting, however. In the hunt, they separate. They reduce themselves to their need. They offer power to the other. 

But 'weakening' and 'limiting' are comparative concepts. There are such powerful darkworkers. A healthy respect have I. Saints of havoc.

9.25 pm

You're channeling. Whom, where, and what?

I've seen so much damage done by healers who access 'energy' without any understanding of the origin or intention. They want it to 'work', so take any leavings or the more aggressive dark energies. Gentle allowance, clear intention, and neutrality is best. Also, trust yourself; if your gut says things are off; they are. 

Light is might and it is so beautiful. Sacred. I have yet to encounter anything that is quite like the connection and graciousness it offers. 

There will always be darkness. One of these is truth. Why"? Paradoxes exist. Contrast is mighty. Energetics are beguiling. All is revealed as you awaken. It's only through the gaining of experience that we realize the damage which can be done, and how innocence can  destroy. I saw a man destroyed —and I do not use that term lightly — by a healer who thought his gyrations were positive as his body got taken over and she urged it on, gleeful at her 'power', while I and another tried to contain it. We failed. 

"I just feeel it" is not a good answer. The saving grace is that a denser system will not allow nuances of energy through in the same way a more awakened one will, so the level of energy moving will be less. Moods and responses will be lessened; so will the impact. Insights increase as subtlety does. 

I know, I'm being dreary and warning-based and far too serious about a very intangible  concept. It's just that I wish someone had told me this. Normal? No, but available to most. Channeling is seen as a light way to access spirit; it is a gateway drug. Wake-up programs that teach access without responsibility and clarity, ones that couch-surf on ego, are responsible for more destruction than grace. 

All should be met with due respect and an understanding that there is support, then inner demons, corresponding to inner pain, love, then jin, release, then fearful imaginings, and absolute possibility for inner freedom and realization. But all must be measured. Hold tight to the light. When channeling, stand in love, not aspiration. For the good feelings that is. The darker self will reveal all of who you ... and others too. 

That said. It's all perfect, wherever you connect. That is true: from a neutral position, one is not preferable over the other. Well, it seems that way unless you look at the impact on a life. The wrong connection can be terrible.

It is not, from that perspective, okay to be accessing or messing around with a spiritual reality without a clear understanding of the cause and effect. If it is with someone else, get their agreement, tell them you don't know, and hold an understanding that you are responsible to the effect you create.

And for God's sake, if you're playing with and accessing energy, find out what you are actually doing. (shove, shove, push, push energy and meanwhile, you're opening a dimension in someone). Inner guidance we all have, but we are also blind until we have the eyes to see. They all have a particular frequency and feel and light.



P.S. While this may seem ordinary to some, others will find this new information, or without context, harder to grasp. It's also on the outskirts of 'crazy town' if you have no understanding of spirituality and consciousness. Hold all concepts lightly and take your grain of truth. Also, developing energetic gifts is a skill, like any other. 

P.P.S. Overall, if you are asking for an opinion, use discernment and hold it lightly. Don't buy into anything wholesale, as it will often be filtered through that persons perception and reality. It's all good info.


  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Facebook