you've got this.

2:06 pm

Tree & Sun!


You may have seen the social for Tree & Sun today. I'm loving it too much, which has me in perfectionist-mind, refining and defining. I want to make sure it's perfect. 
Instead, in the meantime, a behind-the-scenes video
on the making of it. 

betwixt and between

10:36 am


p.s. good morning :) 

Straw Baskets
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 26, 2020


10:20 am


The things you are, to be fully alive, need to honor themselves, though you, as you.


That means that you need to be okay with you. All of you. Empowered, free, fragrant, fresh, smelly, free, sacred, left alone, grumpy, loving, weird.  Sweet and sour. Moods and all. That also means that no one, not anyone, should have the right to tell you to be someone else. To be free you must honor yourself. Be you. All that is you. You must not shrink or hide from any of yourself; the good, the evil, the kind, the parts shaped by others. The 'made by self'. All of you.


The theory goes that it is okay to be shaped by others; this is false. You must be free to be yourself. After you have learned, discard the notions of others and come to terms with the truth of yourself. Just be that, all of that. Then, from there, you build. You are you, and that is enough. That is absolute. That is the truth. That is the law. 

4:34 pm: Randoms + Practicals

I innocently left a piece of fruit out in an open garbage, and for the last two hours, I have been aggressively attacked by a lilliputian army of teeny fruit flies as I sit at my desk. They're the marauding army, a thousand hungry hordes. They are like negative opinions, stinging a little, but ultimately rather fragile.

I just woke from an afternoon nap, and told myself it was healing. I think maybe it was repair (I see the two as separate), but I feel miles better. Our bodies always know what they need. I woke with a beautiful meditation and a few new understandings, which I'll share at a later date. 

I promised the cash flow doc for helpers... this will initially be perfect. It is sales planning one. For those who are all heart, no structure. You should be able to right-click to download it. Just a gentle guidelines and a few focused questions to get your thinking towards sales revenue and targets, rather than only feelings and flow - the two, paired together will accelerate. 11 x 17.

If you have any trouble or want to check in, hop over to my Facebook group to connect. 

Sales Growth.jpg

10:19 am




7:37 am

Today is a design day. I think I'll also share a cash-flow planning document for those in a helping field. I love this blog. 

Image by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 25, 2020


8:24 pm

Site vamping. Working away. 

9:23 am


I've sent the last four weeks working on the B.Grace site
and brand launch, amongst other projects.

Today, finishing touches. 

Mushrooms to your skin,

very shortly. 

9:19 am

I lovingly release anything not meant for me, opening up gentle space so the things that are mine can come to me. 

Repeat the following under your breathe for 7.5 minutes, wherever you find space and time for yourself. Allow yourself to feel safe in the freedom. And believe yourself. 


Yoga teachers: Use in class and offer credit. 


Image by Ingrid Hall

9:11 am

8:46 pm

"I am waiting for things to happen. I am making things happen. Those things I want are not yet, but now they are coming. 

See the common thread in there? Always a detachment from the 'now' experience, the wanting and desire for a state other than the current one.


Patience is a stretch; because we are stretching. rather than in the acceptance of things that are occurring right in front of us at this present time. It is so easy to resist.

Virtuous souls might say '"oh, I'm patient", then get annoyed at the chicken that crosses in front of them, or that the cleaner isn't there on time, or that your work isn't the way you want it; true souls would say this: It is, and now I am not with the 'is-ness' of it. 

And you are right. It's not easy. It never is. It is not supposed to be; your character grows through tribulation, the trials in the way of your achievement. that included patience. I do, I did, I am, now I am not. We are always the practice. You can be that. 

Today: Try. Be with it. All of it. The dissatisfaction, the discomfort, the love, the thready air, the breathing trees, the pounding feet, the threadbare hearts and the mustard seeds. Whatever happens your way today. Be that, with it, present to it, not meeting any of yourself with resistance. If you will. 

Silver Stardust
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 24, 2020






I had the worst day of my life this year, and as I headed to bed I wondered when the second-worst day would be. I worried, a habit I've developed since that very worst day. Then I decided this; I do not want a second-worst day. I want to thank them all, to love them, to be with them gracefully, to have them be the same, appreciated, no matter the occurrences of the day. No matter the loss. No matter the win. 

The world will change. I cannot control its happenings. That does not mean I need to; myself alone can I control. So I wondered, can I be constant in loving the days? I don't want to adopt a false perspective, acting only placid, and peaceful alone, mimicking calm, pallid or insipidly bland. All of me must wager. Can I be thoroughly amused, and ragingly intense, and deeply loving, alive in the midst of the world, watching and seeing and being, crying as I must, but not hating or resisting any of it? Naming none of it wrong?

They call this ‘non-attachment’, I believe. I do not aspire. I want only to be accepting, free of conditions for the day, to be neutrally strong in the face of a powerful moment, to be lovingly detached in the whirlwind, to gently greet the morning, knowing it is a reliable friend, even in changing fortunes. To mind the small insignificants, when other things tumble, crack, fall to ruin. To meet loss with grace. What I want is to be free of the fear that the world will change. So I need to be the one that changes, not it. Right now when they hurt, I do. When I love, they do too. But peacefully, I can meet tomorrow. So there will not be any second worst day, only new ones to love fruitfully, fully, patiently, and when needed, wait for them to come whole again.


To sleep, I. x

10:21 pm

Someone who tries to get you to do something against your wishes, while not hearing a clear 'no' — which you have articulated to them clearly and in a consistent (not an offhand) manner — whatever framework or the reason they are giving, spiritual or otherwise  —  is ill.  Mentally unwell. 


As you awaken, and come into harmony with oneness, and love for all, and as you reduce judgment or hatred or separation, you may be vulnerable, as the spiritual pathway can leave you totally accepting and in the moment. So can a compassionate and understanding personality. Accepting, above protecting. Wanting to connect, not defend or separate. 


Do not foster their reality at the expense of your comfort or wellbeing. A well mind does not thrust their wishes or imaginings on others. They share. They inquire. They request. They have balanced engagement. They do not withhold love or support or make you feel like your needs are insignificant, too much, or inconvenient to them. They will invite your 'no', and talk it through. They do not blame without inquiry. A well person does not find fault or cherry-pick issues to raise themselves higher than you, to gain power or stature in community. They take responsibility for their reactions. They empower. They earn. They elevate. They celebrate. They do not force someone's choice or perspective or energy or life towards their will. They find common, shared ground.

Forcing or manipulating someone to your will or perspective is a sickn ess. If someone is doing this to you,  meet it with compassion, but it is not yours to handle. Or manage. If it threatens your wellbeing significantly, do not engage. Find support for them if you can. But not at your cost. Spiritual development calls out truth, and truth is, there is a lot of suppressed rage and sickness in people.  A lot of projection and judgment and pain that wants resolution. Many broken people wanting someone equally broken to make them feel stronger or healthier, highlighting faults to elevate themselves, or pull you into the mud so they feel less dirty. You cannot heal a broken wing determined to believe the well one in flight is the issue, or a bird that is insisting on walking, or hitchhiking in unsafe neighborhoods, or aligning with other wounded birds to validate their own unhealthy perspective.


There is a lot of love that wants to be born. Both will surface. Recognize that someone who is healing will often need nurturing or support encouragement and require space-holding. Offering it is a kindness. They may be well, but hurt in that time. A breakup, a death, a transition, an awakening expansion or dark time. These can cause extraordinary stress and fear. Sometimes they may strikeout in agony and pain. But they are open, and responsive, adapt, and grow, will hear and learn your boundaries, and aspire towards health and become better over time. But do not be fooled by hopeful promises. It must be situational agony, not ongoing. Influence is open and happily redirected, even if pushy — manipulation or control is not.        It tends to stick and decide, even at your cost. Healing is messy, but finite. It is not an ongoing submission and dominance model. There is a big difference. Walk away from the latter. Find support. Protect yourself. Give over to a loving space.


Spiritual development attracts narcissists; it is a space for it to be "all about them''. They are often leaderly. Demanding of your growth, but not their own. Empaths flock in droves for healing. That means caution and clarity are needed. If you are with someone in a hurt time, do not personalize; but always know your limit. If it is ongoing, or if there is any hint of subjugation*, walk away. You may love them; you are not held gently or safely. Truth is, love is everywhere, freedom expansive, and you get to choose your own route.



* Word thread. I am one with all. I've also a serious love of words that expand inquiry, context, vocabulary, and knowledge. Every now and then a word pops though when I'm writing that I'm not expecting, and I research it to make sure I'm on track (I used the word 'fissure' by accident once in an article, and it relates to an anal issue, which was NOT my intention ... so I check now for clarity. :-)) I've decided to link those words, so you can follow the thread too if you like. I create super-words too, if I can't find one that suits, language being a fluid beast, so you may find some that are not in existence elsewhere. I won't link those ones... you'll just have to guess at the meaning. 

9:31 pm est

A win! I got my hand-washing done today. (See earlier post). For context: in Bali, laundry is easily accessible and typically done outside the home, where they decimate the fabric but fold it quite nicely. During this Covid time, I decided to hand-wash. But, well... I had 9 laundry bags waiting to be done. It's not my favorite task (see semi-self-serving procrastination post below too) and I've been hyper-focusing lately on the B.Grace launch. 


So I sit writing you in polka-dot pajama bottoms, but, today, I successfully washed a good number of items which are hanging on the line dripping away, smelling sweetly of lavender and sage. It did get my brain thinking about the effort, whether each piece was worthwhile, and the corresponding love I had for each. Did I love it? If yes, then I washed it for my closet. If I did not, it's washed and donated. I am all-over the place style-wise, since I love things fast and imagine in all directions, so I am trying to focus and get more .. well, lasered in ... on a particular style, and more carefully conscious about each piece. Everything has energy, and history, and a story. I want mine to feel right. And I like beautiful things. 


So I am 3/4 a wardrobe smaller now, and feeling mightily accomplished. Reducing feels like expansion. 

9:18 pm est

Image by Adam Sherez

I suspect my carpenter is enlightened. I can see it in his healed eyes. Many relate the menial to the low-end. The uninformed. Unschooled. Christ, however, was a carpenter. Buddha is said to have enlightened under the Bhodi tree. So many have worked with wood this way. 

Posited* theory: is there a transmission, a life in trees? An energetic connection to an alternate world? We name them watchers, guardians, promoters of peace and companions to our existence. I tend to trust what we feel — the quieter resonances at least.

They are eternal, in their connected linking, much like the neural mind map of a human brain, time non-linear, spatial or flattened, all electrical energy and complexity sparking. A map of consciousness. Brain mind, forest map. All impulse, thrumming, humming. God Brain.

Our connection with trees and nature is, I'm convinced, partially responsible for awakening. Not just conceptually; actually.


Romantically, wood is a growing thing, covering vast swathes of the planet, seed to sapling, and the rest, with air. It is a conduit for things not of this world, part and parcel and in between, both the earth and the sun, the living and the dead, the half-in half-out thing (the latter like many people dating :-)). I've a video with a few thoughts above on trees, filmed in Singapore during an overnight flight. Wandering thoughts. 


It was my carpenter's eyes that opened this line of thought. They seemed to see vast foolishness as he munched his cookie during his break, looking at the going-ons of the other contractors. They were knowing. Peaceful.


It reminded me to look a bit more closely, to not to be fooled by my initial assessment of someone, to limit based on role, or to categorize shallowly, and presumptively, when depth, and scoping site lies there waiting.

* Word thread. I am one with all. That said, I've a love of words that expand inquiry. Linking the one or three words that enlighten and grow vocabulary in each post, so that if you've got a desire or want clarity, you can follow there too. I make up words often, language being a fluid beast, so you may find some that are not in existence elsewhere. 

P.S. After too much time hunting for contractors for my renovations in Ubud, with average luck, I started a group for them on Facebook. :-) It's here. You can join if you like. 

1:20 pm

Get it. Take it. Have it.
Why not? 

What is it that you truly want, and what are the rules you've created which hold you back from that thing?


Do you need those rules? What does your life look like without them? What new actions would you take? 

1:00 pm

I know that love is real,
and I have felt it. I am that love too. I love, fully, without determination
or condition. I am love. 

Repeat the following under your breathe for 7.5 minutes, wherever you find space and time for yourself. Feel the feeling of love and let it spread through your body. And believe yourself. 


Yoga teachers: Use in class and offer credit. 

Sacred, meet grace. Rest with willow. Be together trusting, delighted, held, wondering, wanting, overflowing with the fruition of a satisfied, full day. 

Image by Ethan Bodnar
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 23, 2020

Words of Freedom

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I've trying to find one of those flashing gifs for my 'live' blog, all 'look at me" esque. Like when web sites were first babies, before we grew our teeth.

Style evolves, like everything. :-) 

9:38 pm

the things they think they want are not always the things they want. the rapist, for example, wants power. the dominant women wants ownership rights. the man who steals, ability to determine his future. the person taking energy? their own fear that they aren't enough, magnified exponentially. we people are ridiculous beasts. give the things they really came for, and they'll usually fade themselves way back, into the silence of a governed mind. when given truth, they can leave the damned altar of an unworthy mind that believes it has a need that requires absolution. when the man is willing to face his face he moves past it freely, onto worthier pursuits.

7:36 pm


Reminder: a prayer (at least in this small corner of the world) is non-denominational: you do not need to ascribe to the framework of religion. Have it be free, and fluid. Pray to your aunt, 🐜 your God, the universe, the love of your life. But pray, and ask, and offer, and establish your terms and your wishes of the world, God (manifest) and the universe. Resonance is created.

P.S. That's my wee long painting in the background. Recent particular hobby.

6:35 pm

Some rules state that one must be 'this way'. Others are free, fluid. This wish I have: to be free of mind, through the pain of an existence that says I 'must' be that way. Perhaps you share that burden. I write 'pain' because any rule that governs inevitably ousts a free-flowing personality, moods or whims, or our natural state, for something practiced, held into form, and we use all types of methods to manage ourselves and others; old structures, judgment, control, paradigms of 'rightness' Instagram, beauty standards and so on. We aim, rather than rest into. We get really uncomfortable when we can't any longer. When we fail at these 'rules', which are usually nonsensical in origin.


I'm not advocating breaking rules for the sake of it, or unconscious freedom, or mimicry of free-mind that spouts another view. When I ask a question, the answer is always from another place. Not now. In other words, is mind and the conclusions it draws always a dictated, responsive thought, rather than a free one?  

Necessary? Maybe. To maintain stability, granted. To function, likely. Are rules an old model? Maybe. Or, maybe that's just the way we are, and it was built that way for a purpose. It works, to a degree. Future would dictate that evolution is required (And always underway), but that is often built on the desires of the next dictator or stronger mind, or worthier asset, or next-level fame, or admirer of you, and so on.  

Free-thinking requires one to assess, to question, to contrast, to juxtapose, to question inner-mind against the outer world. It resists naming, for that becomes a contrast to freedom, thus leaving it vulnerable initially, to the theories and opinions of others. Over time that war gentles and certainty takes place within the structure of a free-thinker; this is the question, that is sorted, this discarded easily, that aligned with a deeper moral or question with more depth.


True things last, endure. False things change, and are of the opinion of others, left wasted against ideals, unstable, and easily dashed by morals with deeper, long-lasting truth. Values: inherent, but situational. Morals: questioned, governed by environment and time. Truth: long-lasting, established not by man, made or questioned or decided into being, but eternal, optimized only by our unfolding universe, not by the opinions of that lesser than ever-lasting.


But are there truths at all layers of reality? There must be so, for us to be sane, ad move through our days. I know this, (or at least now that I've written it I do) but it is easy to make truth of silly nonsensicals, moods and offerings of self-worth to greater ideals. I get caught up in the havoc of a day, the needs of others, my opinion of myself that says I must do more, to be more, to want more, to have more, to need less, so that I am not abandoned, and to hurt only when it is allowed. Those are the 'right' ways. Those are my rules, learned and I govern by them, while fighting that lawful ordination. Each of us has our own series of these rules, which interfere with our questioning, observing and free-thinking mind.


But the truth is, we know. We all know. Truth 'is'. The real-self is just there, right out of reach, waiting for us to rise into our highest selves, to be ready and stable and able, to see beyond our petty conditions and uncertainties, our insecurities and our need to please, to love and be loved (these are often (not always) conditioned too, and to stop thinking and doing and acting as we must, and leveraging emotions, moods and judgments to create our day. Those desires the hampering of the limited self, those needs the diviner of a false real-thing.

Free-thinking is an illusion, ultimately any mind is thought. Beliefs, words. Opinion, from another mind. That is a stacked perception. But they do become real, or a partial reality. But for freedom, or at least the illusion of it, less control, thoughts have to come from truth, not just be thoughts we've spun into existence on the webs of some other thought. My neighbors have spun energy webs of gossip and angry community, and it's in the air, and I feel it, so that's been in my consciousness today. A quiet mind? Sometimes. An open mind? Always. A peaceful mind? Shhhhh... no thinking. Conceptually, any thought that does not arises instantaneously, and then is released instantaneously, is a thought-form, stacked, learned, perception, not a natural, open creation in response to now (eternal). Theories though, are practical. Systems necessary.  So the balance is.. interesting. 

Summing up: I got distracted, spun my wheels, and didn't get as much done as I wanted today. I am trying to addict myself to the checklist, program myself to a love of 'I got it done", no matter how mundane the task, or average the accomplishment. Then a lack of progress. Rules. While all the deep thoughts lay waiting, I thought and daydreamed myself to oblivion.  

2:23 pm

I just finished a beautiful workshop. The predominant note within it was self-love and body acceptance. All is available to a new way of seeing.  They did that. Tears. Information for emergence into a new reality. New beginnings. I emerge full, happy. 

A few keynotes:

Reframing of viewing: Can you see ... that fine line as an access point to divine wisdom and worship it? Cellulite as the memory of a pathway up a mountain, softening of rigidity, ski adventures now signing a cursive, bumpy script? That aging form as a route map to your future? Those lines, that skin, as yours, married to your opinion, your choices, your body-love, your diet? 


Offer yourself freedom? Self-acceptance comes with cost: less worry, more self-love. The freedom to be yourself, and the responsibility of caring for the container you're in, without any self-attacks or negative commentary, resting fully on the laurels of inner grace.  Are those costs? Only because they're unfamiliar. 

It also comes with gifts: ease of compass. Navigating through love, not self-judgment.  "To the gym", you say ... but only because you want movement, not because you have to.

2:12 pm

The theory of not-enoughness rests on
shaky stilts. You are all. 

Repeat the following under your breathe for 7.5 minutes, wherever you find space and time for yourself. And believe yourself. 


I am enough. I worship
my own truth. I allow my beautiful face to rise
to the sun. 

Yoga teachers: Use in class and offer credit. 

Words of freedom: ohm. AH. Love. Mystery. Sacred. Inner world. It. Hope. Allow. Ecstasy. Giving. Oh. Divine. Words have frequency, meaning, inbound energies and notes of the sacred woven into their fabric. Words are undervalued; their meaning is rich with subtleties, thE energy in each uninspected.
They Feed us. They remind us. They nourish 
us into new awakening. They create stories of fractured reason which we can then transcend, or recreate, or allow into our woven minds. Flowing with Innate Possibilities. Mental definers.  New encapsulations of cause, effect, boundaries and Naming.
bound up with meaning, They fostering growth, better conditions, reminD us of what is truly possible. What power!
I'm a Graphic design geek from early studies, so I am thinking of Johannes Gutenberg right now. His invention of the Moveable type printing press changed the world, making the printed word available to all. A disruptor of history. He started with the Bible. This put religion into man's hands, rather than the church, which evolved the entire course of religious history, offering open access to theories, wisdom, and theology. 

"If I knew what would come of that machine," I imagine he would say Now of his invention, "It changed the world. Alas, they don't use it that well." Consciously, we create with it. The magic is in the word. 
Hieroglyphics of Freedom. 


1:30 pm

Image by Debby Hudson
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 19, 2020


11:20 am

On negative opinions formed with one experience.


They are one-dimensional, one-note nonsense, as if any person can be encapsulated by a single experience. They are also unkind. (I know and am aware of my tendency towards moralistic statements, but this opinion just feels like a common-sense condemnation of oversimplification, cruelty, and adult-bullying). Without a tolerance of viewing or clarity of context, we determine them by that single raging inadequacy, our encapsulated, without context witnessing. We tell others. And we call them the problem, not our limited tolerance. 


If you've been named this way: We are not so easily reduced. Not that small thing. You are vast. You are not so small as your mirroring of others, and endless, infinite possibility awaits.  Beyond your home now lies many other homes, beyond any sadness at your current condition lives another day and another kind person, possible happiness, and another meaningful moment, or yoga class, a beachfront and ocean waves, a business opportunity, or another trip that lays waste to any small fears. 


You are beyond this. We are never so insignificant or meaningless. Breakout. 

That all said, if this has happened to you, it does seem that the opportunity is to stop caring or to embrace
the worst claims to ensure you're free of any fear of opinion whatsoever. 

Not from a place of pain - but from a place of self-worship. 


If you worship them, worship you too. You are what you see. You are glorious, in raiment or altered, spent or known, wanted or casual, anything.  

11:18 am

I just bit a bug by accident. Meaning, I popped it with my teeth. I'm currently sitting grossed out, but befuddled, due to the fact that my response, when I first bit it (it was in my coffee, I'm working, not looking at my sips), was that it was a teeny popping tangy lemon piece (I'd been cutting lemons nearby earlier) and I quite liked the flavour. Then I looked, and it was a bitten bug. Yuck, and insert teeny funeral procession music here). But all my theories about humans never eating bugs as a protein ... are floating around now and I'm questioning all my preconceived notions. Empathetic for the bugs, but wondering. Yuck, but still. Ah. Conundrums, they live everywhere so easily. 

Get it. Free, recognizing, allowing that which you are. Insider updates, advanced
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Image by Fabrizio Conti
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 18, 2020

A Fret

White Feather

8:46 pm

I have been told that the teachers and the swans are looking for hidden havens, trusting themselves more than the world right now. Gentleness and sensitivity are an easy and lawful target, ready, then, able, then willing, then wanting to hold the bruises of the world.

This seems metaphorical. It isn’t, actually. Look for the swans. Animals hold the energies of the planet, the environment, and the people within it. 


Love. That is the energy of healing. Send it. Be it. Tell it where to go. Appreciate it, and then build more of it. 


Ever wonder why an animal runs from a man who hates, and draws near to the one who loves, even when both are relatively similar in appearance and stance? We know those who will care to protect or those who will harm another. All animals know this. They feel it.


Loved. Loving. Harmonious in your approach to the world. Protect the gentle. Be that for others. Be that for the one, that is you, as you are they. 

For you: I am loved,
I am limitless,

I am strong enough.


5:41 pm

Keep it persistent
and consistent.

12:46 pm

We do not always need to fix our procrastination; we need instead to increase our comfort with our actual desires, predilections and preferences, and align our habits, choices, and actions towards what we naturally are drawn towards.

Resistance may be offering protection from misdirection — and the life you don't want. The exception is when you really want something and fear is blocking you from action, and it is manifesting as procrastination.  But you still want it. 


Then the fear may want resolving; but not if your inner wisdom is saying 'not this way'.

So ask yourself; is it procrastination, or is there something within me that believes I'm really not meant to be doing this thing?

Will accomplishing it point me in the wrong direction, or, am I scared I might not be able to manage the result when it is finished or achieved? What do I really want my outcome to look like?  Can I, with the set of variables and internal compass I am working with, make that happen?  Or, is there something else I would rather direct attention towards, building in a new way? 

Then, a new plan or strategy can be put into place.


12:46 pm

We do not always need to fix our procrastination; we need instead to increase our comfort with our actual desires, predilections and preferences, and align our habits, choices, and actions towards what we naturally are drawn towards.

Resistance may be offering protection from misdirection — and the life you don't want. The exception is when you really want something and fear is blocking you from action, and it is manifesting as procrastination.  But you still want it. 


Then the fear may want resolving; but not if your inner wisdom is saying 'not this way'.

So ask yourself; is it procrastination, or is there something within me that believes I'm really not meant to be doing this thing?

Will accomplishing it point me in the wrong direction, or, am I scared I might not be able to manage the result when it is finished or achieved? What do I really want my outcome to look like?  Can I, with the set of variables and internal compass I am working with, make that happen?  Or, is there something else I would rather direct attention towards, building in a new way? 

Then, a new plan or strategy can be put into place.


Construction is underway. Cheesy mirror-selfie with draped construction plastic. Workers paused for social isolation. Photo was taken a few weeks ago. Giant hands in image, because I am constructing. A sink, currently. I have learned of the magic of concrete. My beloved new sink is artistic and painted. 

Note: that is not my bike helmet, I'm heading out for a trip to the store. I am not supplanting construction-wear helmets... although I wonder if these might be better on construction sites for certain tasks? Face, ear, ventilated, fit to the head, sound quality still good, visor already intact, built for pressure? 

12:23 pm

Someone reading my blog has a crush on Justin Trudeau, and I can feel it. Or it's actually Justin Trudeau.

12:09 pm

I am in social isolation and supposed to be hand-washing clothes.


I am down to:


0 underwear

1 shirt

4 fancy dresses

1 fabric belt and 2 scarves

a kaftan 

3 towels

a white ski jacket

4 bras

2 socks

0 pants


I am working in the ski
jacket right now.

11:50 am

If you are seeing my blog with that L Moroccan background, I don't figure out how to get it off. Morocco is on my list of next celebrated places to visit, so I'll see it as a theme. Maybe launch a Pinterest board

*UPDATE: I've changed it to pink. 

2:31 pm



God (manifest as all) is teaching me how to work with power & to let go of the things that don't support it. Those losses are weighted sometimes.

Image by Mark Rivera
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 17, 2020


Image by Kristaps Ungurs

Traveling today, I found the dark avatar world, a gateway to darker theories.


It is a world unto itself, not the same as Avatar. Light always has a counterpart.


It is not so imagined as theoretical in its fulling curses and dangerous toxic gases, dark entities renewing moment to moment, (I see their textured skin and eyes) traveling tailed ones, haunting glades, and eating deadening trees, eels in the land sucking up air, Darley havens beginning to dissolve into the flickering ethers and illusionary fields. Sparking, the air is lit with time and weight ad they move through it like butter, Those no, all know, knives curved like wiggles. Many eyes, big souls are the safety homes, I have not looked too closely, was rather lazy in my viewing, but one must be big then small to access those. Or should be. It makes them safer.


But it flickers like the whole thing is a raw illusion. Still in creation. We are ridiculous in our wanderings, are we not? 

I see this, and you, differently now.

Daily, I see. Cannot help it. If one has the eyes to see, things often will appear in front of them. 

Everything we create has a counterpart.
A balance for the whole. It was... Avatar, but dark, deadened, cold. 

Do not go. It is not a light place. Theories are endless, all that are. It breaks. It burdens. It sucks the air from a bard's
blue lungs. 

We are endless creators, touching the sky, wiggling our toes, minding ourselves into a possible new place. 

7:43 pm

11:12 pm


People want fixing. I'm writing this after speaking to a relative, who had someone telling her that she is 'his' - even though she doesn't want him. I just had an experience with an unstable client too. Not enough attention? Find a fault, get noticed. This will always come after being fed and giving glowing reviews, a subsequent ending, and, as the attention fades, finding an impossible fault that does not contain and personal responsibility. 


I am, generally, very empathetic. But clear that this pattern is hurtful to helpers and healers. It leaves you open to being badly taken advantage of and pushed around. It is critical to set a very firm boundary. To know your own limits. In this post, I'm going to attempt to give some clarity on how to identify and protect yourself. 

A healer (that's you if you love another at the expense of yourself, or desire to work / heal / fix / make things better / create / grow big plants, and onwards) is at risk of being pulled under, expected to carry the burdens of others.

When people aren't being 'fed' energetically, or fixed by someone they see as a source or have placed that responsibility on, they'll often trigger, and agitate the one they unconsciously see as a pathway to the resolution; the healer, the lover /friend /coach/ newspaper guy. The easy, soft, caring target. There will be an implicit, then programmed belief that you are somehow responsible (past a clear agreement) for supporting the emotional needs of that person. You are not. 

How does someone get energy? First, with glowing. Then, over time, it's usually by agitating the healer. Find fault,  push a button. We do this in a relationship too, with the effect of the healer feeling like they'done something wrong when they haven't - and the aggressor getting their needs met, and holding greater authority. One cares, the other finds fault. The carer, a caring person, initially only feels like this is an increase in care, which actually suits their spirit, natural inclinations and current needs; they may not realize that an unfair burden being placed on them. 


When an argument is created, you have engagement. Get the energy of attention. Now you have a route to healing. This will often escalate when they feel abandoned or cornered, such as with a relationship ending or a work engagement about to close. Or, when they are just hurting and overwhelmed and want that inner pain softened. And you've got the gift to help.


Why? Because you care deeply and are easily wrapped up in responsibility towards someone else due to your internal mandate to help (often at the cost of your own comfort). You may love them, which makes it likely you'll take the anger and not jump ship. You're a prisoner to your own caring.


1 Anger or inner pain comes up: blame, name, shame, judge to get power and trigger the other
2 Attention: healer naturally react to self-defend or turn to them, and you're now in the muddy sandbox, where they now get your energy, validate reassurance care. Now, you're in it too with them and the focus shifts to the battle; not the original wound. 

3 Bandaid and solve: inner pain is calmed. But not gone. You are not their target. 


Your desire to support may be easily manipulated and fostered when you are around those in need. It is a precious gift. Do not undervalue it. Offer it where you know help is needed, and NEVER at your cost. 

This is important: the person asking you to do this has authority over you, in some way. Opinion, money, status. They'll thrust their hatreds and need at the target (because you are a target), ask you to hold their suitcases of animosity and pain, and you may feel you have to because of their dominance or position. the rules for the engagement and the shared culture you are collaboratively creating are there. 


Over, time, if you are in a controlled environment,  they will imply that an opinion which contradicts their needs is a violation, rather than them increasing their capacity to celebrate the many expressions of freedom, often judging you for not ascribing to the (typically self-gratifying in some way) rules they have, or burdening you for their inner rules for reasons and being and thriving, which are tightly held.

These are issues better dealt with at the root; resolution with the mother or father, past pain, early experiences, dynamics somewhere else which formed and have been left to fester. Outbursts need to be named at the root of origin, claimed, and then the real work of healing can begin.

It is always an internal resolution, so pandering, accommodating, enabling or believing that you are the issue is actually detrimental to the person directing the anger or blame towards you. It misdirects.

It’s two-way healing, however. The healer is complicit; there maybe benefit from being needed, supported, important, wanted, held, valued, cared for or controlled, useful - many reasons; until you ascribe to a more comfortable, less danger-fraught or eggshell  existence.  Until you have rock-hard boundaries 'I will not be hurt or taken advantage of." If you have strong stamina nad will for fixing, it may take you years to get to that place. 


Signs: They're telling you are supposed to be something that isn't natural, to do something that feels stickily off, or resolve things that are not yours to fix (like telling you that you are 'theirs' when you have no desire or intention to be that), directives and goals which are out of a stated agreement. or that you just don’t want. They'll minimize your needs. 


Most of all, they are unable to create safe engagement for you.

These are patterns only of course. 


If they are justifying your discomfort through over-inflating or over-validating the importance of their own (limited, self-gratifying) perspective or needs, then you've got a flaming red flag happening. If they are highlighting faults to get authority or make you feel badly, when your intention was positive, things are out of sync.


If they do not care for your hurt, while in the statement there is this; both partners  - in any engagement of connection - need to be sure to be taking into account all the needs in the room; emotional, practical, or otherwise. If that isn't occurring, step back, reflect, and perhaps get help from another voice of support to ensure you've got a balanced viewpoint. 


You marry this. They are clients, friends, hurtful allies. Controllers. Best-frienders. They track you down, oh bright-light-healer. 

There is no freedom in fixing. And you are not meant to fix them. That is a role, not a life. They are not yours to heal. You are the suppressor or ender of agony, but temporarily only.

You have been caught. Sticky fly legs, struggling to get free of the initially oversweet temptation that holds you firm. Anger, livid, out loud, now has a target, rather the festering or seeping inside (and the chance or healing). 


Disappoint them? Not meeting increasingly dense and heavy needs? The obligation is formed when you are not measuring up - and believe that you should.

Engagement is complicit. If you find this match, there is inner work to do as the healer too. You may want to be captured, held.



They'll often paint, initially, an extraordinary, glorious existence, so be fearful of roses and candles without personal responsibility, respect, and real, truthful expansive thought and self-governance. Do you feel heard and held, respected, and with equal say? For example, when you are dating, clues about who the person is are clear after the honeymoon period has worn off; yet we often want to dismiss them due to attachment.

Is that person, when cornered, able to look to their own issues with grace and clarity, and not project the fault onto you? Do they dump responsibility, or lie and minimize that, as in the case of one-airport chaser I dated briefly? These are important tests that reveal character. 


Then, bring those candles & roses forward and lose yourself in the glow of light created, but as equals meeting, creating your reason, season or lifetime; not as a sticky trap for a lit-up firefly. 


Do not evaluate yourself and whether you want to stay in this engagement based on what you are right now; evaluate on your inner desires for how you want to feel. On your heart. On what feels safe and right. On your potential. Remember, you are looking at your future life, your happiness, your health and wellbeing, and your LIFE freedom. Because those are the stakes. Your life matters. 

They are not loving you. They are eating you. Your energy and your possible future.

You will know, because you are drained and uncomfortable. Off. The anxiety and justification and feeling that you don't quite measure up will spread, but it is actually your body telling you 'keep away'.  


You cannot fix someone directing the burden of their own dark emotions at you. It always comes back, unmet pain. The mature man or woman will always see the person reflecting the pain as a messenger pointing them towards their own healing and personal realization and go inwards instead of blaming, shaming, or externalizing the issue. 

In other words: if they're saying you are the fault and you have not intentionally slammed them over the head with a book, or did not intend to be hurtful, and there is an emotional response occurring that is not taking the facts or long term goals of the connection into account, if they are projecting that you are the issue without having a clear, fair conversation, then don't believe them.
People like a target. 
​It makes it easier to avoid their inner pain. 

Your work is to hold your own needs first, foster your own freedom, then share that lovingly with the world. More notes on energetic healing on another day; this is person-to-person engagement specific. x

11:12 pm

I am eating a seaweed snack, yum. 

Say it with me now. I am worthy. I am free. I am all that I need to be. I am worthy of the life I want. 

11:26 am

Who says you cannot be gross, or incomplete, or average, and then special, wonderful, amazing? All things available to you? Who says that short is better than tall, or tall better than short, or you aren't ''quite enough?"


When did you offer that guru-role away, telling yourself that their theories were more important than yours, or their acceptance more important than the reality of all that you are?

Do not limit based on sex, animal attraction, appreciation, value-added or offered, rules or governance, magazine walls, or rough-shod shoes, and mimic or match those to create a self--identity that runs ragged around the opinions of others. You are ... that. All that. Special, and entering only into those places that rules seek to govern, but the witnesser within knows that you are far beyond those things. While appreciating them, you can also elevate past them. Be that which you are. Seek that which you are. Trust that which you are. Find, refine, dirty-up, wash clean, thoroughly get to know these aspects of yourself in your entirety. Find your resistance, elevate into grace. Free yourself from the limits and the capacities of others, to be all you are, as you all are. Then, you will be free. 

8:57 am

This is my singular, bited-sized life.

When all the irrelevant has been snipped away, cut out from the vast whole within which we fill with the flotsam and jetsom of reality, when singularly and simplicity has been made the order of the day, what then do we choose? Where does our attention tend towards? Can we see behind the mask or the many, into what is real, subtle, hidden? 

Within the chaos of options, it is easy to lose ourselves. To react to the world, instead of creating it. 

When we single our focus down the attention required to fully engage with that thing in front of us, we are able to nuance ourselves into freedom, to see the stars within a single possible note of reality.

The air, one whole, suddenly has subtleties, cool, warmth, no, not just warmth, the Bermuda triangle, his call for prayer, her cry, those endless breezes dancing around you, then torrents, now still. That one thing could be studied for a lifetime if we were that ilk, and we would never know that thing. When we slow, we grow, beyond the frenetic "Get to", into 'I have this." 


The brain will always seek options. When we reduce endless external distractions, we can get into the eharacter of the thing in front of us. Celebrate its warm willingness to just be. Many legs, endless partners? They're all legs. One leg, dive into the warmth, the cells, those stretch marks, that scar from that hotel ice machine, its endless being through time, the creative, unplanned, ancestral, avoided, invoked variations of skin and spot and freckle and dot on that special being. I have loved, with devotion, but the sun itself shines on each of us; it is not limited to character, to personality, to failure, fault or findings, success or worth; it is the life of that thing. Subtle, glorious, unconditional ... free.

Restaurant days, lots of food? It passes, daily, options and extravagances, unnoted. I have been eating largely pumpkin (it's eaten like squash here) and rice, with added variations, as my main meal. That single dish becomes a stabilizer, a reliant fellow, and I'm able to see beyond the ordinary 'food' into the subtleties of flavor, the change within each bite, the daily alteration based on growing seasons, or harvest, or time of the day it was picked. The small changes are noted, and somehow each precious. 

Singularity allows for depth that is otherwise unavailable. Subtleties exist that otherwise pass unnoticed in a busier life. It is easy to miss out on the beauty of things we see as familiar, coming to terms with the intensity of the world. 

We think we need lots of things to be happy. That options create joy. They do not. they may even stretch your energy and focus into a shallow, unmanaged thing. Thought follows objects, intentions, awareness.

"Less is more". It's an old adage, but when you sink into it, that less actually IS more. Take its meaning literally, that means we've been missing more, and it's been sitting right in front of us, in that one orange, that one man, that one piece of art is actually more.


Life is full of options in many - and also the one. One, quieter, becomes a miraculous window into the deeper divinity within a single object. One is many, many are one. Always, we seek to find ourselves in greater recognition, fostering new understandings, and that can take chaotic form, or, it can be a peaceful window into the note of the sacred, found in just those small things.

Looking inwards, I trust that there are deeper knowings, and as I allow the singularity, I see more closely. Deeper still, I meet God, as warmth, as intention, as my gaze, as a sacred, slow thing, as objects, as space, as molecules, as nothing, as still, as the truth of that thing in front of me. And whole universes unfold.

So I have slowed, and found more. Singularity is

We mind our p's %Q's, and then are vicious bend the scens. 

IconographIC: Baji Day

June 16, 2020


Get it. Free, recognizing, allowing that which you are. Insider updates, advanced
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8:40 pm

8:57 pm

I have avoided the feeling in jealousy
my whole life, not wanting to hurt other women, so I hid my value, did not develop certain skills, and pulled back from doing the things that brought it out in others. 

That was a strategy for safety. For connection. It failed.

Lately, I've been embracing it as a sign that I am doing well enough 
at something to make someone else worry, or have them confront their fear, a guidepost towards excellence and making it happen, 

loving them all the while but refusing to bow under the smaller aspects our nature,

determined to shine as well as I can in the best way I know how. It is also giving me the freedom to ask "what would I choose now?"

I am scared. I am serious. I send messages, then worry. These are the normal things we do, worrying. Wondering about the opinion of others, whether we are safe in their hands, perspectives sharp and treacherous, or kind enough to find space for the imperfect humanity within each of us. 

6:27 pm

“The subtle thread of the spirit can expand and contract within the body. When it expands, it passes through the brain, heart and body to experience life, and when the same subtle thread of the spirit, is taken inward, it contract itself into the soul, to experience the bliss from within.”

― Roshan Sharma

My reason for being was one.



that is.


So what now? 

5:07 pm

This is the tale of wisdom misgotten and misplaced and a few questions about where it actually is.

We know the things we know, and these are liable to change, if we are fluid in our imaginings and open within our minds. That is wise.
Fluid mind.


There are those who have found a mental train track they like, and they'll run that thing ragged, grooving it into deep straight tracks, gifting them with a devoted resistance to ... well, anything that much alters that particular line of thought.

Fierce thought. 

A conscious mind will always hold multiple dichotomies, turns and twists, and complexities which require balance against one another, often making the holder of these questions seem more questioning and uncertain. It will also hold multiple truths, often in total conflict with one another. 


The trouble is, minds lacking wisdom but with a solid practice, career credibility, and an understanding of particular disciplines will often seem wise. Clear, mindful, certain. A destabilization when studying isn't required; to know the particulars of a craft is simply a matter of guided information integrating into new knowledge. 

When you only have a few train tracks to worry about and protect, it is easy to be fierce and certain and trustworthy. You can be predictable and committed to your understanding, clear in your articulation. This does not mean that there is any leap of logic, any destiny unfolding, and a  thorough examination of theory that leads to the depth of understanding that real wisdom requires. Ther are leaders,,. and there are thinkers, and skillsets are wildly different.


Then, the two meet, and magic occurs, so the thought that we are not smart when we are seekers is a critical one to break; you may just be seeing the world with fresh, uncertain eyes, on the happy route to a new way of experienced our collective reality, rife with possibility and bursting with theories that as of yet unexplored or undeveloped. You may not have financial stability yet. You may be building a cabinet. You may be theoretical in a way that requires a different approach to ground into solid action. Or time to come to expressed clarity.


This does not mean you are not wise.


Train-track mind-lines are assets. They have the certainty to inspire people to follow you, a well-run path, often the career framework to offer you recognition and acclaim, financial rewards which offer strength, certainty, admiration.  We get very good at protecting those tracks.

These minds will not always like the process of the creation of wisdom, which requires anecdotal knowledge to be replaced by the chaos of uncertain creation, because it wiggles those tracks, jostling up theories into something perfectly new. You, a thinker, threaten. In you question, you'll strike fear into the merry hearts of men around that table, jostling elbows. drinking mead, and walls come tumbling down. 


Certainty thrives in stable town squares. Stones have been laid. And we do not want faulty kingdom walls. Those are havoc-led. Thus, messy minds in the creation of truth are often fallen by the side of the road. It's muddy there. Messy. Matching the indignity of a crusader that does not yet have all the answers, but a willingness to explore the unknown alleys and roadways in front of them.

One is certain, the other seeking. But an old school mind takes into account the past; not the future. "Do not look back" a beautiful man in a cafe said to me once. He was wrong: I did, and it taught me, firmly, to embrace tomorrow. 


Both a structured mind and a fluid one have gifts. Statements of excellence. The 'other' theory is a misnomer; we hold all these roles, all these minds, and perpetually navigate between them, growing weary then choosing our identity within them. But we often  So we let dogmatic thinkers lead, guide our thoughts, or sit in bars and wax poetic about nonsense, teach and tell us the right ways of governance, and even when they're maniacal or foolish. We are regularly misled into thinking that this is the same as wisdom. It is not.

Foolish minds are certain. Seeking minds are sinners against a cherished, known ideal. There is not much we can know for certain, held to the piercing light of critical thought, an open mind or willing heart, to see the other in ourselves.


These are fools concepts to the known route, yet that also the seriousness required to ask real questions:


  + Are we doing things the right way. are we on path?

  +  Is this old mode of thinking bringing us the new, desired results? 

  + Is the leader of these thoughts a soothsayer of ancient wisdom, one better evolved, are they old-school, agenda-led, or just really thankful, truly charismatic and charming in that gorgeous tuxedo (but full of pre-thought thoughts, washed and buffed and reshone? 

Thoughts are often very linear, perfectly personal, tribal-based and self-benefiting, and lacking though, depth, clarity of causation and results, or just generally, our own personal motivations for having them. We are, as I said in an earlier post, constantly veering our way towards myopia, stacking one known thought on another theory, and calling that clear outcome. Even the very theory of wisdom itself must be in question. It is perception, feels good, and usually has a note of depth - or the theory of it - we like.



"It's like this ..."

This is a phrase my lease-holding landlord, who I am in a fight with, says at the beginning of every sentence, while I tell him my version back. This translates as 'this is my way' while making it sound as if it's fact. I then tell him my way, and we war out battling theories.

"This is reality:"

This means: "This is the reality I see or want to create, or the thing I learned, or, young, foolish dreaming child, I am wise, and see potential doom, so get real and certain and predictable". (There may be validity to the warning). Another option: they are telling you the prevalent version of shared understanding of the reality we're in. 


"This is the right way to do it:"

Right is being used as a God-statement, attached to a previously tested goal or the desired outcome (but people use this all the time to get their personal needs met, so this one is a catch-all that you'll want to watch for).


Within the conversation, rather than battling the process, get to the outcome. Sometimes the right way is indeed the right way. But not always. But clarity on where you are headed is critical. 

"This is confirmed by scientists", means:


At this point in time, science, with its current understanding is able to ascertain that this may be the most likely truth until another truth comes along which gives us a more particular or refined understanding. But for now, this is true. And I, since I have a study backing me, am likely more right than you, unless you can find a more credible study.  Posturing. Positioning. Seeking for clarity. Truth, as we know it. Now, there's this perspective; fluid mind allows for the certainty we have right now - while opening to the latent future possibly.


A super-mind knows it is all fine and we know what we know, and then later, we'll know knew things.  

Old-man knowing:

You meet at a cocktail party. Or a classroom. Or a water cooler. You shake hands, and the stand-off begins, gilded and glowing with smiles, bonhomie.  You size up. Questions begin. Introductions begin, and the laser-eye settles... on a weakness. Instant highlighting of some fact or accomplishments you do not yet have, and questioning it immediately directed towards that specific thing, to establish superiority or experience, making you feel instantly vulnerable and insecure, thus highlighting their superiority and thus leadership in your mini-group.


"Have you polo-jumped beans?" they ask loftily.

"Oh, you haven't?" they say, chin lifting in a nod. "Umnnm hmmmm, I see".

Then they'll highlight how difficult it is, and establish the value of the thing you do not know. 

They'll then ask what you do. Instantly, there will be a crack in your approach. Not at a million yet? Unfamiliar with Niiciuaraga? Oh, you don't have shiny silver yet? Ah, I see. 


It may be implied how naive you are for trying what it is you're doing, from their comfortable, unquestioned position of authority. They've stolen ground, picked the location of the battlefield. This is not your friend. While this person may seem knowledgable, it's a time-honored dance. The theories they propose are a set-up to establish dominance of positon. It is a rooster fight. Big chest, big crow, big colors, big win.

I recently had a program and one of the participants spent every meeting highlighting what was wrong in the middle of a thousand rights, faults by pretending they were questions, as a way to position herself as superior. Fault-finding seems credible may even seem thoughtful, determining and even intelligent, but the serious nature of a questionnaire is open to the truth of an answer, which is not automatically 'I'm smarter than you are, na na na na boo boo".  Each mind has merit. We meet as equals, as we are, and then we relate. 

The position we are in does not imply worth or lack. The depth of thought is not dictated by how far into an experience we are. That said, we also need to give room for theories that are tested, minds that are knowledge-based and the wisdom gleaned from many minds, history and the years of experience in a particular craft. But there are a lot of great thinkers who see themselves as less worthy due to instability of the question, lack of hierarchy within just society, or just because others are really good at the positioning. 



A sincere question does not laser in on the pain of inadequacies in front of them. 


If this is occurring,  DO THE EXACT SAME THING. Learn from the masters. Anything you are asked, you can ask back. You are allowed. If that creates discomfort, then you know you were not actually in a conversation. You were in a game of positioning. Do it with amusement at the tribal dance you're in*. Or, you can lead with love and fawn over them. That works in different sort of way. it will create safety for them, reduces the need for positioning, but make you invisible, or holding the healer/caretaker role. 

"That's ridiculous/preposterous/insane" means:


"I don't currently understand that and the premise violates some world view. Or, it's silly.  I  am pedantic or superior." Or opinion may actually be those things. One must be critical, and honorable, and ruthless in our assessment, both of ourselves and others.

"Everyone thinks." means:

"People I have gossiped with, things I have read, or my mind is now swayed to a popular opinion which support my viewpoint, and you, because you have fewer allies, are less right than me. I WIN". 

I'll say more on this last technique because it's such a fiercely determinantal approach that damages individual safety and is a  hallmark of bullying. It leads people to feel isolated, unsafe, unwanted and alone, based on total bullshit, so I'm rather vicious my defense of it, and angry for those that have gone through it, especially if you've lost your confidence as a result. Vigilante-heart, hurrah.

This last method leverages strength in numbers or collective (cherry-picked) beliefs to validate a viewpoint. It looks like a citation of a popular magazine, historic figure, a group perceived as strong, or a study. It's a chicken-bird stretching its wings to make itself look bigger in the dust yard so it scares its opponent. 


It is very specifically designed to make you feel insecure and outnumbered. It is tribal positioning. Kindergarten politics. This method will bring up in you a need for connection, which is linked to our basic need for safety, and your amygdala, so it is a way of getting a physical fear response, which shuts down your ability to argue. (Your bodies physical response to untruth and influence is a whole other post). So it may also sway you, if you want to belong (away from wisdom and truth) into believing nonsense.

"I may let you join our side", she whispers, like in a game of duck, duck, goose. But we're right".

Strength in numbers does not equate to the truth. They are in fact, often dangerous. Bandwagons. Mobs. Ku Klux Clan. "They said" is not critical analysis. Nor fact. Leaning on numbers to validate a viewpoint inevitably veers the ship away from the land we need to get to safe ground. 


"This is how it is:" Is it really, now? Who says?


Ah. I am a natural contrarian. Curious. And I like being right. So I ask questions. I like it when the person answering them and I come to terms on the method for getting to the outcome. Trouble is, there is a lot of certainty without a lot of thought. We must ask, to know. Give away, to have. "Because I said so" may look like wisdom,  but they're opinions. One must have a foundation for opinion to be truth. Goals. Directives. "Do It" the parent says,

Just things to watch for, be aware, then release. That's all. 

Overall, just watch for wisdom-screamers and certain minds, even when they are presenting well (sometimes especially so or in positions of authority, which can be led by practice, resources and proximity as much as real skill and intelligence. Not always. But a question is powerful Be careful for the shiny snakes and smiling gaslighters, and look for the content, backed up by informed and comprehensive thinking, not just route memorization). 

Wisdom heals. Wisdom questions. Wisdom does not demand allegiance to a particular point of view. 

Right, now I am off for the chocolate bar. x

* I've seen women in business using this technique recently too, with the effect that everyone is out chest-puffing and poking wounds. Even the energetics of women in the spiritual community are now showing this model of engagement. It is done both in sympathy "aww, tell me your hurt, as I save you and thus become the stronger/wiser/one",  or, by intentionally activating and trigger the extreme rawness of someone. Highlighting faults to get strength. This is both conscious and unconscious, bound up in a desire to help and also to be the lead.


Wisdom feels, assesses, learn, and grow. It does not stand taller, stronger.
Thankfully, it loves too. 

8:43 am

I have a story about work versus play that needs busting down.
I'm highly productive on days off that I am 'catching up on work".
And I enjoy it more, even when I'm doing the exact same activities.

Quick perception of the distinction between the two:


  • Mental focus and story

  • Appreciation and focusing on the joy of completion versus the unconscious need to achieve

  • The feeling of time freedom (even though I've been working for a few hours)

  • Choice of activity (even then I choose the same)

  • Ability to be flexible

  • Released emotional weight, obligation

  • Feeling of self-ownership, self-kindness

  • A feeling I have the freedom to choose

Try a weekend watch. See how it shifts your own perception of work, leaves space for new thoughts and feelings. (If you have that old 'I'm working on weekend" automatic resentment come up, table that for the following weekend, and remind yourself this is choice. Then, see what emerges for you. 

I am now going to get a raw chocolate bar. Little trips to the corner store make me feel
I'm at the end of a cul-de-sac on a summer night. Joy.

Eye-rolling moment...I now work ... well, I just quit. But I'll be back in a moment.

Still doing the things, but with a different perspective. :-) 

I am on a day off. This means I am getting all most important things done,
including things I've been putting off at work. May all future days be days off! 


8:07 am


This is the lunacy of racism.


I've been eating a lot of pumpkins lately. So it got me thinking about we elevate or reduce things by arbitrarily picking qualities to see as valuable or not valuable.

We'll then either bully-whip ourselves to better or act superior, telling ourselves we're now innately worth more, which feels mighty and good. A woman was looking sneeringly at my torn nails in the middle of construction (I am hand-building a sink with concrete - this is my new toy, concrete, like clay, but only more fierce)! and judging me for them. By the look on her face, I was now dog-poo, due to the length between manicures,


I, thankfully don't ascribe, (usually) and chose to focus on my sink instead of my manicure.


Those "Newly successful" will often fall prey to this; getting the things, the money, clothes and the car, and increasingly valuing their own worth relative to others as they rise up the ladder, thereby supporting the theory that as they make it they're 'special'. Thye also maybe mimicking a success 'avatar" which uses an old-school 'get' modeI, moderately, did this too.


This softens any innate security and makes the climb initially easier. It also validates that inner belief that we're a bright shining light in the midst of paler ones, and what we suspected may be true. That we're aaaaamazing. (You may in fact be bright and shining, and I do not doubt this, but it is a valuation of comparison). It also cracks confidence when the inevitable first fall comes, and the self-identity that uses hierarchy and comparison for valuation must be rebuilt into things more stable, less in reliance to your relationship amongst other things, more founded on heart and is-ness and choice. But it's a miserable process. 


Positioning is a human characteristic. One problem we face is when we start valuing based on judgments however, is that we fall prey to the same judgment we are placing on others. It enmeshes us in the theory that there is a right or wrong way to be, a valuable or not valuable way to live, look, have, think, swim, act. It is an aggressive act towards yourself fand others to devalue based on having or having not. We're battling out with fisticuffs of mattering more. It's easy to get caught up in the battle. Rising to oneness, or a sense of peace and appreciation of the equality and innate value of all requires us to see beyond it. 

That hierarchy-mind settles nicely on our own brow and it is difficult to escape, whether you fall at the bottom end of it (low value), or the top (high value). It feels better being at the top, but the thing is, you're still hanging on that same fishing string, aiming for the golden fish. You are not the one holding the rod. 

Goals: Freedom. 


Look at a pumpkin and tell yourself it is worth-less due to the color of the skin. (perception of value)


The skin, worshiped or adulterated, abandoned or shamed. (I like, don't like, personal preference, judgment value leading to actions)


Open the pumpkin, it is still the same filling. (both nails, lacquered or not, still body, brown-skinned or not)


Seeds, for growth. Taste similar, nutty, sweet, sacred, soul-filling, rich or subtle, bright and coppery or resonant, malted, spicy, texture shredded or plush. (Assessment of personal reference, feelings of truth starting to come up). Geting to know that thign beyond the mental story or scoping judgment. Having dinner with that person you hated.). 

"That bump, that skin, that unsightly hair",we cry, obsessing over the surface characteristics.

"And just LOOK where that pumpkin is, what it is thinking". (This is how we spend our time. Judgment and reduced valuation against personal rules, hierarchy valuation to get us higher on the fishingstring).


The true characteristics of The Pumpkin (Godself) are only experienced when we are willing to see it; to take the time to know the subtleties. Appreciate, nurture, and the spell is released, and we know them in all their countenance. In other words, value it EXACTLY as it is. In a limo or on the street, poor, white, black, Asian, rich, Elephantitis, gross, Indian, thin, fat, rich, scaled, whatever the truth of that beautiful creation is. Because really, who are we to see that the creation in front of us is not perfect? Infinite drops of sand, freeing ourselves from an imagined state. Ah. I'd rather thank you than hate you. Rather appreciate you than judge you. 

Pumpkin People, we orient to the wrong things. We are all pumpkins. Isolated, that pumpkin is still a pumpkin. Different shade? Pumpkin. Forgotten, still a pumpkin. Looking good? Still a pumpkin. Hanging out with those other seeds, wrong neighborhood? Ah, more pumpkins. Culturally rich, simple in mind? Still a pumpkin. We do not say the pumpkin is wrong if it is different; we ask of the soil, the heritage, and are curious. 


Our desires, often primal in nature (safety, connection, assets, security, goodwill) are the predominant characteristic in any assessment of value. They define our fundamental theories of worth, orient our perspective, and drive the level of want for the thing we want (to solve an issue or create a resolution) defining our perspective on value and worth.

Hate, judgment, animosity, prejudice, requires an emptiness that needs filling, a desire for the satiation of some unconscious need. An alleviation of childhood pain, perhaps a fear of losing connection, or assets, or safety. Popular opinion. You've got an empty belly, if you will, with the desire for some type of food on the table. So you bring out your knife, and you STAB the hunted. Down the pumpkin goes. Give me food. Give me freedom. 


But that isn't freedom. There is always another fear behind it, always a worry to fix. Here is a ready solution, with some work behind it.

(But it's for you, then them, so will be enjoyable too). Fill up. With love, with things, with appreciation, with uncommon connections, with an attitude of gratitude for the things you have see. When you're full, you've got not enough emptiness left to fear that thing, not enough hate left to run that thing, not enough animosity to ever bring that to your table. Love just fills it all up. And this isn't about the things you have; it's about the perspective you hold. 


The saint says "They're the same thing". The pyscho says "I hate you due to your lack of me-ness, let's fight it out". The neutral viewer says "Let me see." Love says "You are. And that is good. Come to my table, and we shall feast, all as one". 

Tea Fields
IconographIC: Baji Day

June 15, 2020


8:21 pm

(Mothers always know their child, this time or that).
Lives, and connections, recirculate.  x

8:18 pm

I want to muse.
As an occupation. 
Both the being and the witnessed.

I need to get more fascinating. 



is sick,




8:07 pm

It's real. 

that said, it seems imaginary too. 

you hear it, feel it,

then want it,
to be something now,
but that won't work; it needs to percolate,
to endure, to answer, to allow,
to thrive itself into new life,
to burst into the truth.

divine timing.
there is such a thing. 

Sigh. The joy of a safety tube. I have a green velour blanket that I am wrapped up tightly in like a sushi roll in as I work. Sort of the same. 

Sometimes the energy is metaphorical, sometimes actual, sometimes as time, occasionally as money. Sometimes that person is charming, sometimes in need, but without remorse or accommodation. Their need is the priority. 
Do not settle, beauty, do not settle. Just say 'eww', and walk away. Do not waste your life on that. Oh, and if they diminish your needs, or make you feel wrong or broken or inconvenient or somehow less than them for having them, while still wanting you to show up for theirs, they're likely overvaluing their own.

2:36 pm

A (wo)man who takes
your energy and still thinks

(s)he has something exquisite,
special, or wonderful to offer. 

12:44 pm

I have a distraction bug right now which tells me it is better to be on Pinterest than it is to be focusing on work. "Do not finish" it spins. Thus, I am finding images for work, then hunting down the artists to feature them in the newsletter. Grateful that my work leads me to this. Endless fascinations though. 

Sometimes the brain finds subtle ways to rest, like Facebook, or water cooler gossip about inconsequentials, or delving into theoretical, conceptual wanderings instead of aligning with the focus we need. It is telling us that a holiday is in order, or integration, processing or re-sorting of information. TV at night does the same, but I do not much watch tv - too much time and seemingly, many things to do. :-) This concept however is forgiveness you can allow for yourself if you punish yourself for taking needed integration time. The brain needs to put that weight down after a push for the muscle to repair and come back stronger. 

Like Pinterest! It is also useful for branding. And amazing art. I'm still developing my taste, and always note a shift in appreciation each visit. 

Check out my boards here:


Last season I dated Wix as I built my site out, and right now I am in a romance with my Pinterest homefeed, as it seems to automatically bring up the exact messages I need. Accidental. Imagined. Algorithms. Magic. 

For example, I was thinking earlier about the aforementioned GG's (Gossiping Guru Girls), which was a dreadful experience, and this just came up:













One of 30 that resonated. While it may be a little crass (it is) sometimes we just need someone on our side. It makes the wobbly parts stronger. The glorification of "I've got you", a sanctimonious, "I hear you", the togetherness of "weren't they terrible?" which helps us face the pain to get back to kinder, softer perspectives.

We feel heard, new ground is built which takes our perspective into account, so we can let go and start again. 

Thanks, Pinterest. x

12:17 pm

We need to be wrong to be without limits

11:32 am

9:10 am

Eeeeek. Emails go out tomorrow for B.Grace, evolving into the best thing I have ever done. 

Nirvana currently is a glorious afternoon taking time to pause, appreciate, savour tea, blend formulations and whisper new things into being. Marigold flowers, Comfrey, Lavender. Ancient names with heritages of healing, rolling off my tongue like jewels. Excited to share. 

If you're not yet on my list, sign up to make sure you get that series!
There are gifts and special offers, available specifically for this list. 

8:54 am

7:00 am (shifting to EST time zones). 

Your bad mood. Their harrowing heart need. The seeking goals of an aspiring artist. The anger of a past partner. The ego. The needs of a personality. This is not all of who we are, but it the beautiful, felt, aspect of ourselves with the greatest stranglehold.

The personality self, an aspect of a rather complex map of human experience, is the product of our experiences perceptions and a slew of other things, (I poindextered my way through this the last few years, and I'll share at a later stage) is a creation, largely, and grows and evolves through our spiritual work.

The evolution of personality takes time, typically, to be replaced by the softer acceptance and is-ness of spirt. Big trauma, big experiences will usually influence speedier change.

But what, fundamentally, is driving our desire for evolution? Is it our vastness of spirit? Sometimes. Often, despite our best aspirations, comfort connects us to a lack of aspiration towards growth - so we until we are called into it, we don't walk that path. The need to escape an uncomfortable experience pushes us towards change. We want to fix, to evolve into a better life, to get happier. 

But this can spin us out. Direct us towards behavior — rather than inner growth. Goal-setting spiritual awakening is rife within the community of seekers. We like to position ourselves in the herd. It can also be detrimental. To you. 

If you are celebrating awakening, spiritual growth, one must ask, are you aiming for a more desired state, seeking truth, or are we looking for the alleviation of suffering using the theory that if you suddenly awake more, become more enlightened, more peaceful, more steadfast in your connection to an unperturbed and uninterrupted state of self-awareness, you will now be worthy, happier, more peaceful? Somehow more arrived? More worthy?

It is usually both. We are in the juxtaposition between personality wanting growth, and spirit wanting expression. The entity of one wants to move through your brain and mind. And it is peaceful, so peaceful.

It looks so glowing, glorious and appealing. So of course we want that. 


Back and forth we go, seeking to stabilize a connection to something already in existence, beyond ourselves. We value the personality-less, to get more of that thing. This diminishes us, destroys the ego, but it also gives this away: our self-love. Our right to be a total fucking mess. To explore consciousness through our flailing muddy hands. To plant wildflower seeds and watch them grow. To thrive and totally embrace the emotional needs of a personality — while allowing for spirit to naturally weave its way through your personality.

The whole ascension model — even the word — is built on hierarchy, so I am questioning it this morning. 

I was  told recently by a tantra guy I got annoyed at for sending me a nude photo that I was "not being spiritual." This is total manipulative hogwash, designed to get him his way and steal my preference for engagement. Annoyance is a boundary. Feelings, moods, are navigations, clues, self-governance. 

He was also implying there was a "right way" to be spiritual. Perhaps. But who says? Enlightened is he? Is spirituality innately wound up with a value system, a system of behavior, or is it just is, with the activism, behaviors, and actions of those more spiritually enlightened open for discussion, evolving, and repeating themselves? Also, are we looking at the right things?

I had a pink car at one point (yes I did!), and all I could see were pink cars everywhere after that. Incidentally, I drove halfway across Canada solo with a cowboy hat, two kittens and books on tape. A favored adventure. But I digress. Either way, the brain orientates around concepts. It filters truth once it has settled on an ideal. It sees what it has noted and what has been introduced to it. It is myopic. It likes rules. So we may be - as we grow - seeing spiritual growth all wrong. 

We goal-set peace. We laud those who have accomplished this. That means it becomes a goal, an earned, aimed-for growth in the midst of wake-ups, an idol, and we risk creating a replacement personality; not allowing truth.


Are there dark spiritual masters? Is a spiritual warrior a jerk at times? Why not? Do someone also talk really fast because their brain is speeding and processing rapidly, now that they've healed that fear of their own strength? Or slowly, Ekhart-like, that sacred-water moving towards ecstasy, steadily, slowly softly? What is the right way to be spiritual?


For a while all the spiritual women in one group in Bali where hommming, and oohmming unnhiuhhhing after all their words and speaking really slowly, and wiggling their bums as they sunk into chairs, centering into grounded activated spiritual connections. When we one started, then the many followed. That was not innately more spiritual, but we all saw it as such. Adopted behaviors.


Until we question. Does spirit want to bash a head or grow a tree? I want to know Truth, want to be in it, not tell it what it should look like. My real, your real, your teachers real, may be totally made up. Truthfully, I do it too - we all do. We are all a byproduct of our environments. But we question, then we evolve past limits into the truthful expression of who we are. 

A common theory is when you are calm, speaking slowly, or in total acceptance (their rules) ascribed to rules, then you are more spiritual or more awake. Peace is enlightenment. So we then punish the parts of our personality that are not that way, and get into a self-blaming dynamic, or suppression to 'be' more right. That is a violence towards yourself. We cannot jump past the discomfort of the personality; nor should we want to; the very cornerstone of awakening is acceptance of what 'is'. It evolves, we are. Then we grow. We are small monsters and big souls both.

To fully embrace who we are, we must allow all of ourselves. Be in the dissatisfaction. Name it. Threaten it. Claim it. That is all. It tends to dissipate when unavoided, so owning ourselves truthfully is necessary for real growth to occur. All of us, unwilling to see the gross characteristics. Do not shy away. Perhaps that is why the darkest violences and visions within a severe awakening occur; subjective reality or not, perceived or believed as real or not, when met, they lose power, and there is real freedom afoot. 

Any time there is a master, there is a slave. Leadership is a risk, both to the follower - and the truth of the teacher. That is what rules of rightness and wrongness do to us. They limit. Structure, guidance, routine, pre-existing knowledge, I believe are (based on a lot of wrong choices :-) critical. But we must also question the reign we're under. Open our minds beyond these things. 

The opportunity in an awakening is to awaken to new possibility, uncharacteristic of an old paradigm of cultural collectivity. To pause. To heal and be gentle with where you are at. Just for you, at first. Discover who you are naturally. You are not wrong for feeling. Do not adopt another set of rules that requires to your suppression or aiming to be elsewhere than where you ar.e That will arise naturally.


I am skeptical of aspirations towards better being named by someone else. It usually feels like rules of life or spiritual gaming or boss persona now translated over into awakened consciousness from the person naming them.

"I like being in charge, so I will now LEAD the spiritual movement! Okay, gather round now, these are the rules." 


Do not seek to be, just be. 

When you tell yourself there is a right way to be, or believe others who tell you this, you're liable to escape the allowance of the freest state you can know, which is absolutely unhindered by any other impact whatsoever from the minds, rules or engagement of those around you, purely in connection with the divine. Wherever you are breathing; here, there or in your mother wound - is all. 

Goal-orientated awakening seems the byproduct of a human desire for betterment, growth, often sourcing from a belief that we are not enough, rather than the gentle acceptance of new next state, whether that is emotional; prepared for it or not, a mess or sanctified within the grandness of a total existence. It is, that said, also a natural desire of the tree stretching its roots. But the driver creates the direction. 

I would rather the light of truth pour from the mess of sobs, and tears, and ecstasy, and radiant explosions of justice, and triggers and peace, then the aimed for ideal for a spiritual master, who likely cried in his living room for three years as he dropped his conditioning and earned his teacher stripes. Who is that being, really, beyond his conditioning? What if consciousness, spirit, in that one, wants storms and intensity? What if they naturally orient to a supernova and emotional need instead of a green, lolling, peaceful meadow? Scream loudly, good sir, the thing you are is perfect. (just hold it back in the boardroom, there is a time and a place for personal expression).